fantasy made reality

heartaches.

2012-02-01T01:39:00.001+08:00

heartbreaking to see ryeouggie cry on syukira just now :( once he started, he couldn't stop. thank you sungminnie for your warm hug to him!! so much brotherly love i was literally melting in my chair.

on a sidenote, i think i'm a bit slow. sheesh, should have made the connection awhile back if i had read the news reports earlier. but i really have a feeling hankyung might be going back to sj! cause on their official web schedule a few months back, they didn't put hankyung's birthday on it! only kyuhyun and siwon, but like a month ago, when i was looking at the feb schedule, it was there! so maybe there's hope after all? suju fighting!~

slow.

2012-01-29T01:27:00.000+08:00

it's been a while since i've blogged, not that i know anyone is reading anyway. but i'll just continue running this blog, for the sake of the memories.

business has been slow this month. the orders only started coming in at the end of the month. i'm not running any valentines' day special or promotion, because i'm really busy this time of the month with exams and attachment going on soon, within the next 3 weeks. so tired, but i have to keep fighting. body clock is messed up, and i'm just going through each day, day by day. i'm literally running on fumes. i never get enough sleep, no matter how early or how long i sleep. attachment has become my sleep ground. just sleep to break and lunch and not eat. sighs, i'm really that tired. times like this, life becomes a chore, school becomes a bore, and i'm just so exhausted i can crash any moment.

yes yes, i'm ranting again. it is my blog though...

right now i'm studying for microbiology. for attachment. who has actually heard of attachment exams. i mean seriously...it's madness. thank God 80% of is is open book. only microbiology is not open book, so i'm focussing most of everything on that. i really don't want to fail this semester. already did so badly for common test to the point that i actually failed 2 modules. and one of them is supposed to be my "best" i'm such a genius really, when you do well for your worse module and do badly for your better module. it's like O levels all over again!

and to add to the stress, people around me are getting really insensitive. sighs, can't do anything about that really. if everyone is really bent on treating me as the black sheep, there is really nothing i can do about it. if you can't stand by me when things are this bad, i don't expect you to stand by me when everything is smooth sailing. sadly, you just can't seem to understand that i'm not like everyone. i don't learn easily, and it's hard for me to do things sometimes. my attention span is getting shorter and shorter, and my health is getting worse. if you think all of this is a farce, and that i'm faking it, or you think i'm trying to "get attention" as usual, well, then i'm really sad that you think that i have to resort to such measure to get your attention. if i'm so hard on for your attention, i wouldn't sometimes wish that i never knew you and that you were never part of my life. we were never close and we will never be. because you can't get that plank out of your eye and see the bigger picture. as a leader, i thought better of you. than all of you. but i was wrong. very wrong. if you cared, when was that last time you actually picked up the phone to call me and ask me how i was doing, without me actually initiating anything? i'll tell you when. NEVER. please don't tell the world that you "tried" but i never listened or accepted your advice. you never tried as hard as you're supposed to really. i'm just waiting for the day when you say i'm no longer welcome in your family. it's just so easy to turn my back on you as it was easy for you.

and i really don't see how you're helping anything. you're just repeating all my problems back to me without any solution. rubbing it into my face about what a bad person i am. don't forget. so are you. i know about all the stupid stuff you do, and it's not even comparable to mine. so don't act like you're all saint like. you disgust me. as a friend i thought you would be more caring and understanding. but obviously not. be glad i ever talk to you again, because it'll be a long while before i will ever pick up any of your calls.

times like this when your world around you is crumbling everywhere, and the people outside of your world are just pointing and laughing, waiting for your ultimate downfall.

p5shingmea*y

2011-11-28T00:50:00.001+08:00

i don't know if i should blame myself. ever since i got together with you, i pushed everyone away. to send more time with you, to not let you be jealous. literally everyone in existence, i practically shoved them right out of my life. my best friend, my brothers, my classmates and society mates. now there's this overwhelming regret left, especially now that you're gone. i actually feeling like an absolute idiot, for not balancing my relationships properly. i miss my best friend. i know it's stupid since i was the one who kept being busy and everything. we used to message each other everyday. all those years spent trying to build that relationship with him. now i barely talk to him. sacrificing a 5 year friendship for a 9 month relationship. was it worth it? at that point in time, it seemed reasonable. but now it feels downright stupid and ridiculous.

so where's this post going? i don't know really. i'm not blaming you or anyone else. just mostly me. maybe if i put in more effort? maybe if i tried harder.

maybe if i tried harder in everything that i did in my life. maybe there might have been results. instead of giving up like i always do. be it in life, spiritually, school, cheerleading, relationships, friendships? constantly in the state of doing things wrong and giving up.

i'm all out of fight.

overexhaustion.

2011-11-17T00:49:00.001+08:00

my future job should be a private investigator. i'm really good at finding out things about people. and the worst thing is that it's all online info about them, written by them. oh and facebook. such a marvelous tool. -.- seriously, the internet scares me at times. and this is one of the time.

TTSH attachment today. so amazing! to actually have an exam where answers are dished out to you by the examiner. hahahaha! the best joke ever. i'll be sad to leave CP. central processing has been one heck of a joy ride for the past 4 days at attachment. even though we didn't get much time to rest, i honestly think that i learnt more doing sample processing here than i ever did at NUH. seriously, i don't feel like i'm having attachment at NUH. i feel like i'm just wasting my life away there, reading SOPs and just generally WILLING time away. had fun doing pneumatic tube sorting and bench sorting. sadly, we didn't really get to do urine FEME sorting. the little kid in me was bursting to stick labels the entire 4 days, but i only got to stick like a few :( but i still got my fun sending out the samples using the slide. it's really more fun than NUH. attachment at NUH is really just one big bowl of suck.

BTS next. but somehow i have a feeling the BTS at TTSH is non-comparable to BTS at NUH. i have a feeling BTS at NUH was more fun. more hands-on stuff, less dreary work. which i love of course! more practicals and learning experiences!(: dreading BTS for tomorrow, but sighs, come what may i guess.

enough ranting. wanted to rant more about personal stuff, but typing out what i did in my day makes me feel even better than i was just now. oh well.

apparently, the berrylite at velocity is desperately in need to hiring staff. but sadly, time constraints and my already overflowing agenda will not allow me to have a part time job anytime soon. i do have my shop though, even though business is slow. D: how does carrie even cope will all this? and she has 73 orders! gosh. i wish i could be an over achiever at times too. i hate settling with mediocrity. but i guess with the current situation and circumstance that i'm in, i can only settle.

alright! negative emotions flooding back! i shall stop here! resume writing workshop with nabilah and a CBE class. not looking forward to it but like i said, i'll just settle. so, bye for now(:

areyouhappywiththestateim'in?

2011-11-14T23:52:00.001+08:00

an errant thought today. to defer for one year, and to come back again fighting. i'm so tired it's ridiculous. so exhausted out of my mind that i can barely stay focus on one thing for long. still trying to keep up with my lectures, and trying even harder to catch up with my jap lessons. it's only the the 4th or 5th lesson? and already i'm falling behind in homework and quizzes.

someone save me before i officially become depressed and suicidal.

teardownthewall.

2011-11-14T01:32:00.001+08:00

to be able to love someone should be the happiest thing you should ever be able to feel.

i was actually high on love today. for the first time. not on sugar, caffeine or adrenaline. okay, maybe a bit of all three, but it was definitely the love that i had for my family that made me high today.

to be able to love you since i was little till now, it's even harder to achieve. i don't know the kind of love that i have for you, but i know my love is forbidden. to never be able to say those three words to you kind of kills me inside a little, but seeing you happy is what matters. is it not?

to find love that is reciprocated in it's truest form. the easiest to find, yet the hardest as well. accepting it is easy, rejecting it is even easier. love in the flesh, but yet not truly exist in that form. to be able to love You is my privilege. for You to love me, it's my greatest gift of all.

i need to find back that love. i hope You'll still want me, even though i know You will accept me even in my most broken form.

i'm sorry for all the lies and broken promises. i'm sorry i gave up. but it was the easiest way out. send someone to lead me back. cause i'm lost with no hope of bringing myself back.

for now, i'm climbing into bed and crying myself to sleep again. it's become a ritual. a bedtime story, a hug and a cry. to feel the sense of loneliness that overrides all. to feel so loveless, and so hopeless.

that feeling of happiness during that one dream that will never come true. to be able to feel it again would be a miracle that only you can provide.

stop dreaming girl.

burden.

2011-10-12T00:04:00.000+08:00

i always think that it's me. that i'm the problem. how can i not when the situation is the same no matter where i go. then i think that i'm not trying hard enough, or that i try too hard. it gets confusing soon after, then i stop trying at all. soon i start thinking what i did wrong, and why things always happen. i get trapped in a vicious cycle, and i've no way out.

you find that when you face this kind of things, you're left alone to sort things out. people don't like to get stuck with people who aren't sure of themselves. it's not a matter of relationships status anymore, you're out there to fend for yourselves. it all becomes a cruel game that we are all stuck playing. i know i'm not the only one playing this game. but the weird thing is, people who are constantly putting me down because of this are facing the same thing as me. maybe it's the lack of empathy that becomes a horrible web of deceit and lies, to hide from reality, to create a facade that your life is much better and happier than mine.

you ain't fooling me. you're only fooling yourselves.

once again, i'm prattling off, make no sense, taking in riddles.

countdown.

2011-09-27T04:34:00.000+08:00

i've officially turned into a nocturnal person. i'm up at night and dead sleep in the morning through afternoon. sighs...messed up body clock really.

anyway, 2 more days, till i'm out of here!!! after living in this house for the past 9 years, and living in the north for the past 18 years, i'm finally moving northeast! i'm excited!! cause it's gonna be a new adventure!(: new house, new furniture, new me? hahaha! but what's past is past, and i'm gonna keep that all stuffed in the old house, and breaking anew into the new house! yeahhhhhh!

so on a happy note, i shall stop here! i'm on pottermore and neopets right now. a slight disappointment when i got into hufflepuff instead of slytherin or ravenclaw or if i dare say gryffindor! but it shall not be. sighs...if i answered the sorting questions with my first instinct instead of thinking things over. like the last 2 questions, choosing stars over moon, when i'm clearly happier when i see the full moon out at night. but it was a tough call. i love both the moon and stars equally. or choosing left over right. but i chose right, in the end, even though the gut instincts were screaming left over and over. hahaha! i wonder what house i would be in if i chose left. LOL...but alas, we shall never know. oh well, for that i leave you! BYE!(:

rants.

2011-09-16T04:14:00.000+08:00

ignore me. i'm here to rant. things keep running through my mind, and no matter how i vent my frustrations, i just keep bottling everything up time and time again. i can't seem to bring myself to forgive again.

for the people who think that i'm so insignificant: hello! i'm standing right in front of you. please do not treat me like a third party! and if you really have something to say to me, about something you don't like, say something to me directly, not go through a million and one people. we're not playing broken telephone here!

and for the people who think it's really cool to ditch other: how, pray tell, is stranding me on an island, with proper toilets and beds while you guys go out to a god forsaken island to stay overnight bringing you satisfaction? obviously you don't see the irony in things. your immaturity is obviously supersedes mine if you even think of doing such things. while i applaud your creativity, you obviously don't have brains to see that i'm better off being on that island than you are. hahahaha!

that being said, will everyone please try to grow up? we are all attending a tertiary institution, yet i'm faced with pre-schoolers. i wonder whether even they have a better notion of how to treat a person, much less a friend than you do. and please be reminded that i in no way did anything to intentionally offend you, neither did i do or say anything to bring you any harm of any sort. i wonder whether you can say the same thing for me. but that is a rhetorical question, which should remind you of the fact that i am human too, and that any emotions or feelings that you have, i am capable of having too. i'm not an exclusion, so please don't treat me like an alien. oh, and what you do to me, please be prepared to get what you deserve ten-fold over. what you're capable of, so am i. but i have the decency to not do anything to you.

do not make me threaten to physically break your face. i'm small, but i have energy and strength enough to physically hurt you. the way i do my brother. so be warned.

resultsday.

2011-09-16T00:51:00.000+08:00

expecting that huge drop in GPA. i will not cry, i will not cry!

time to work hard and come up with a creative way to study. i hate how the perfectionist in me hinders my studies, instead of helping me. having to be systematic in everything i do and write, even the colours have to be in order and all that mess, sighs...

i need to get a 3 ring hole puncher soon. i hate the 2 ring hole punch system used in singapore. another reason why i want to study in usa. i can't wait to go to college. in another 2-3 years, i'll be out of here. in this hellhole with all the bad memories, and it just keeps adding. for now, i have to learn to be contented. the moment i land on foreign soil, it'll be different. and i get to expand my bracelet business easier being in usa, where the bulk of my customers hail from.

i need to find a way to promote my business. i'm losing out on competition. i really am. for now, since my competitor is "away on vacation" i shall try to find a way to garner a wider range of customers. sadly, there seems to be a problem with the postal service, and getting my customer their bracelets. already, 2 bracelets have been sent back. contacted both buyers, but have not received a reply since. i feel like i'm cheating my customers out of their money. but what can i do? :( sighs...

drifting away again, time to pull myself back and get back on my feet.

sickofthisshite.

2011-09-14T10:57:00.000+08:00

can't run out of such situations. no matter how hard I try, no matter how fast i run. give me a break please. I had enough of your hurtful words and insensitive remarks. please don't act pitiful in front of me after pulling such a stunt.

going straight into a mental meltdown from here.

drastic.

2011-09-13T02:57:00.001+08:00

thinking of doing something drastic. out of sight, out of mind you know? though i've already been doing really random drastic stuff over the past few days, i feel that it's not enough. sighs...

if this thing goes private after awhile, you'll know why.

spammed.

2011-09-12T02:30:00.002+08:00

posting up random stuff because i'm really bored, and i'm still WIDE AWAKE!!! :( currently reading an FF and doing up a cross stitch(: my favourite past time! :D hahahaha!just randomly thinking about something, somehow, i always dream for things beyond my reach, and such stuff are usually left unknown, though things do get out eventually :( i hate how obvious i am sometimes! :(

intoxicated.

2011-09-11T23:22:00.001+08:00

post-OAC random highness. really feeling intoxicated! i'm so high i don't think i'll be able to sleep tonight. but i haven't slept in 42 hours! OMG.

youobviouslydon'tgetit.

2011-09-06T05:34:00.002+08:00

sarcasm has its merits. but obviously not when people don't get it. must i go into the details? bunch of dunderheads.

endof.

2011-09-05T23:25:00.002+08:00

welcome to the "i hate mabel thong" fanclub.your subscription is mandatory. please fill in the form, and we will get back to you in a few business days.

inthemaking.

2011-09-05T16:08:00.000+08:00

i hope you do know that this is something that is supposed to be fun for everyone, not something that you should be "ruling". i'm not running for president you know. merely being in a sport that challenges me physically. i have no need for your harsh comments or treatments.

suddenfears.

2011-08-23T01:54:00.001+08:00

i'm afraid of going back. not because of the lack of confidence, but because i don't know what to expect anymore. i've lost myself in this process again. too many changes. i need things to settle around me. for now, the changes are too unbearable. i feed off people's emotions. if this were a HP FF AU, i'd be an empath. feeling the constant highs and lows of the people around me and going crazy just by the sheer intensity of the emotions.

if i don't cave in anytime soon and crack under pressure, it'll be a miracle.

breakdown.

2011-07-19T20:29:00.000+08:00

just feel like crying. right here, right now. i'm being outcasted again. wherever i go. and don't try to tell me you know what it feels like. you don't. because you always have at least one friend around you, keeping you company. laughing with you and talking to you. where as i'm surrounded by a group of people who don't give a damn about me, tease and mock me. and thinks that it's ridiculous that i even bother trying to fit in.

seems like my class has only 16 people. while i'm just invisible. a servant girl. a nobody. to think that you're the class rep.

like i said before. i'm better off this world. it'll make everyone happier. that i don't exist. that i never did.

WOW.

2011-07-15T00:30:00.002+08:00

THREE WORDS!!!

PROUD OF YOU!!!

personality.

2011-07-14T21:10:00.002+08:00

read this somewhere about may babies.

"You are stubborn and hard-hearted, strong-willed and highly motivated. You have sharp thoughts but are easily angered. You seem to attract others and love attention. You have a tendency to have deep feelings. You're beautiful physically and mentally. You always have a firm Standpoint. You don't need motivation. You're often shy towards the opposite sex. You're easily consoled, systematic and you love to dream. You have a good imagination. You love literature and the arts. You also love traveling. You dislike being at home because you're restless. You're hardworking and high spirited."

OMG...sounds like me. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

waitingitout.

2011-07-14T00:52:00.000+08:00

2 more weeks till i can go back to training! i just wish my knee would heal faster!!! for now, i just have to wait things out!

wish you weren't so hot-headed all the time. as much as it wasn't your fault or anything...just let it go okay? don't want to see you back out at this point now.

annoyance.

2011-07-11T12:14:00.001+08:00

very annoyed with people, who are in condition to train, yet they just don't want to go for it. complaints of feeling tired and what nots. you might as well just quit the team? your level of commitment isn't even there. commitment. that's what i've learnt during my one year in society. if anyone actually went through what we had to go through last year? this is nothing compared to it. the discipline level and everything is the same, albeit tougher...

i really want to go back to training! missed so much! can't believed i missed out on doing basket toss on friday!!! felt so miserable just sitting there watching them try new stunts. ugh...i wish my knee would recover faster. heading to the polyclinic again tomorrow morning to have a look at my knee again. hopefully someone can give light on the situation, instead of just telling me everything is okay when i even can't feel my knee. i really wish i didn't fall, that i had locked better, and that someone was there to catch me. :X

your furtive glances are killing me. stop scrutinizing my every action and words. get your own life.

actyouragenotyourshoesize.

2011-07-09T00:33:00.001+08:00

first day at micro lab, first day being back at NUH after my fall. realised how swollen my leg was today! and i started feeling very self-conscious and worried. gosh...this is so messed up. my leg is so obviously swollen that it looks like it belongs to an elephant. and the worst was that everyone kept coming up to me and asking if i was okay. and i even bumped into my physiotherapist while walking back from lunch. i didn't even realise she was my physiotherapist until like an hour later. i just kept wondering why she looked so familiar and whether she was one of the lecturers at NUH. then it dawned on me. felt so stupid really.

today was a day of rushing and waiting. wait for supervisor. wait for lunch, rush for lunch. wait for bus, rush for bus. wait for you then rush for you. sighs...so super tired right now. never ending cycle. whatever happened today made me realise that i really don't wanna move to sengkang at all! and i'm really not looking forward to it! :( especially after i found out how near you stay to me!

and seriously??? WHAT THE HELL? separation? that makes you feel like you don't have any association with me? how old are you? 10? but honestly, if it makes you happy. BUT GROW UP WILL YOU? ughhhh...

and just cause i happened to look in the direction of where you were standing, or glanced your way, DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE YOU. my eyes can shoot out electricity issit? please don't jump to conclusions when you don't even know the situation.

why is this world so messed up?

whatiswrongwithyou?

2011-07-07T22:32:00.000+08:00

in all honesty, if you can't tell me what's wrong with me, then don't judge me. cause it just makes you seem all that much shallow. i'm tired of your judgement when you barely know anything about me. please just get a life, because you really need it.

motives.

2011-07-05T17:51:00.000+08:00

something new for me and kor to have a nice chat about. is there a motive for everything that we ever do? is our motives the ones that give others a bad impression of us? what about those who think that there is a motive towards whatever we are doing?

if you thought that i was trying to get attention from total random strangers last night, then i hope that you know it wasn't true. if you think that i was trying to get a single ounce of sympathy from you, i hope you know that you're wrong too. i hid my tears when the pain got too hard to bear, and i never needed help from anyone.

this is why i prefer to be alone. no judgement. no hurt. no false accusations. i'd rather be a loner in this world, then to have a friend like you.

inmisery.

2011-07-05T01:03:00.000+08:00

my most epic fall in over a decade. yet there was no one to catch me before i hurt myself. no one to comfort me when i was hurt, and no one to care for me after all that has happened. so amazing that i got offered help from totally random strangers who not only helped me to cross the road, but also hail a cab for me. but yet my own teammates couldn't bother to offer any words of comfort or help, and just looked at me and walk past me like i'm a zoo exhibit. i know everyone thinks that i deserve this. are you all happy now?

my knee hurts like a funfair only now. i have no idea how serious it is, but i do know that i'll be lagging behind everyone now with this injury.

i wonder what i did to ever make you hate me so much.
i wonder what i ever did to make you not care.
in times of need, i'm your friend.
but at times like this, not a single soul is there.
if physical pain hurts so much at this point,
what more can i say of my emotional hurt?

i feel bitter about what happened. but i know the devil is just trying to make me give up on something i love. and to try to make me hate on them, when i'm trying my best to love each and everyone on the team. to look past all the negativity, and see into their hearts. i need God's lenses, and His love. God, forgive me for i have sinned and wronged my neighbours. give me the love, wisdom, and strength that i need to overcome this. in You i place everything. Amen!

hitontheheadandheart.

2011-07-03T16:47:00.002+08:00

what you said that day really hit me so hard. i felt so hurt for you. yet i didn't know how to help you, and gain your confidence to lean on Him again. but i have to remember that God has a plan, and it's up to Him to draw you back. it's times like this when i realise that i've been praying for the wrong things. i keep praying for your salvation and for my own strength and courage. but i realise that i have to pray for wisdom and love. something so essential in life. wisdom to handle this kind of situations, and wisdom to be able to help others. to be able to love unconditionally, beyond the normal range of human love.

then i need to pray for forgiveness. forgiveness from God, that He may wash away all of my sins and forgive me and allow me to become clean. and forgiveness for others, that i will forgive them for anything that is done wrong to me, just like how God has forgiven me of my sins.

i don't want to walk a life where i bury all the hatred, anger, bitterness, sorrow, and unforgiveness in my heart. because i won't be able to freely love. i need to be strong, act wisely and continue to learn from God.

dear I ,i miss our friendship. it's been 3 weeks and 2 days since you went into army, and we haven't had contact for more than a month. i'm sorry for all the hurt that i've caused you. but somehow, the words "what good will an apology do now" keeps ringing in my ears. words not just from you, but from someone else as well. true, my apologises can be deemed useless now. but unless you can forgive me of everything i've done wrong to you, and put the past behind you, just as how i've done, you'll never come to terms with the fact that things between us can change, and that we won't be friends until then. until you learn to let go and move on.

dear J, sorry if i hurt your heart by saying things that i shouldn't have told anyone, or by any of my actions. i know you'll say that it's no use, that we're better off not being friends. but we still are team mates. i just need your tolerance on the mats. that's all i ask of you. it's okay if you don't forgive me, that you mock me, that you think i'm childish, ignorant and silly. all i need is that 12 hours of tolerance every week.

dear A, sorry for ruining our friendship by my thoughts and actions and words. i deeply regret everything that i've said and done. i miss our friendship that we had in the beginning. no secrets, no hiding, no facade. some of the things i told you that i honestly wish i didn't. i put too much of a burden on you, and now i'm left to face with the consequences. i'm sorry for everything. for not being there to catch you when you fell. for not being a better friend to you than i should have been.

dear AJ, sorry for the past 1 year of rivalry, and collision. no matter what we do, somehow we'll always be in collision course. i'm sorry for everything that i ever did to hurt you, and i just pray that you'll forgive me and continue to love me and support me as a sister. you're always my bro, and no matter what we face, i hope that we'll emerge stronger from everything.

dear M, sorry for anything that i might have said of done to hurt you. somehow in the past 2 months, we have been drifting further apart from each other. i don't know what's going on, but i really do like to know, so that i can apologise to you, and we can move on from there and rebuild our friendship. i pray that you'll give me a chance to be a better friend.

dear S, i'm sorry for what happened at camp. it was a moment of haste, which resulted in regrets. i deeply apologise to you, and i hope that you'll come to forgive me one day. i know you're not angry anymore, but i do know that you have yet to forgive me either. i just want to say i'm sorry for everything that i've said and done to hurt you, and that you'll give me a chance to be a better friend.

and to everyone else that i have hurt, through any means, i'm sorry, and i pray that you'll come to forgive me in time. if there's anything that you're really unhappy about regarding me, i just hope that you'll tell me, so that i can change to be a better me.

and lastly, i hope that you'll stop finding love and acceptance in all the wrong places. you are being loved and accepted my the highest of kings, and the Lord of all lords. don't let the words of others ruin your eternal life! i know you're stronger than this!(:

unexpected.

2011-06-30T15:33:00.003+08:00

it kind of scares me that people still read my blog, especially since blogger started having this section called stats, where you'll be able to find out where people are linking to your site from. and mostly in this case it's twitter and facebook.

currently at home wasting my life away. i've been on MC for 2 days! so i get to miss one entire day of ATBMS and 2 hours of jap. don't really like the fact that i'm missing jap, but oh well. i've not been doing my homework at all, and i've already missed two and a half days of school. not that i really bother. i feel like at this moment, my life cannot get anymore horrible as it is.

i wish the same old problems i've been facing for the past 11 years of my life would stop coming back to haunt me over and over again. i don't like the fact that i'm easily judged and whenever i try to defend myself, others just tell me it's all excuses coming from me.

okay...scrap that. i should be here on earth to live my life to the fullest for God, and no one else. i should stay strong, and be myself, the best that i can be. i'm not going to settle for second best when Daddy already sent down His Son to die for me so that i can be the best in the world. i'll keep fighting for what i love and who i love. nothing else matters but that.

JIAYOU GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you can be your own encouragement, even if there's no one to boost you up(:

judgement.

2011-06-29T00:39:00.000+08:00

somehow life just give you a pail full of lemons. no matter what you try to do to them, the best you can do is to make lemonade. right now, i'm trying my best to walk in His word, to live a victorious life, but no matter how i try, the same old insults and ridicule that i've been facing for my whole life keeps coming back.

i feel like i'm trapped in a vicious cycle. and no one but Him can pull me away from it. i miss having a place to call home. i miss having a bunch of people that i can really call my friends. i miss having a guy to love and give my whole heart to. and i miss God's love, and His strength and grace. i miss the old me. the happy-go-lucky me. whatever happened to young and innocent? how is throwing insults directly to a person's face a joke?

why do i bother putting up with this time and time again. i keep telling myself that you're not worth my love. but He's up there telling me that i should show you His love. i need to be strong and tap into His strength.

i have superpowers you might not understand. but i'm strong enough to overcome this, and i KNOW that i can make things right again through Him.

yetagain.

2011-06-26T00:12:00.000+08:00

don;t know how many buckets of tears i've shed over the past few days. how do explain to anyone the feeling of being treated like nothing? the feel of having no friends? the feeling of wanting to find out what's wrong and changing, so that i can become a better person?

if there's anything wrong, can you just tell me straight in my face? instead of making me feel so bloody miserable and hurt that's i'm trying to fix the situation, but you guys think that it's more fun to hurt me like this.

falling back into my hole once again. now i really don't know how to get out of it.

complications.

2011-06-12T22:03:00.001+08:00

i wish you would stop lying to me and to yourself. you know you can't let go, and you know you can't forget. so why do you keep telling me so? i wish that you'll stop complicating our friendship. it's already complicated as it is.

death.

2011-06-10T03:56:00.002+08:00

silly girl, even if you really were to die next year, you still have one year to set your life right. i know predicting your own death through a dream scares you beyond anything in the world, even worse than when he said goodbye and broke things off, you still need to be strong.

you have your life to live now. the 365 days countdown starts now.

theworstfeelingintheworld.

2011-05-30T19:24:00.001+08:00

i hate the feeling of loving someone you can never have :(

let'sgetcreative!

2011-01-07T00:40:00.002+08:00

hello!(: i know i haven't blogged in ages. currently entering into another bout of flu. i should really start having a proper night's rest and eating regular and healthy meals. and maybe taking vitamin c tablets. hahaha!

anyway...i recently am very into making things. haha! like cross stitching and friendship bracelets. and recently i'm starting to think of setting up a really small business to sell such items. i wonder if people are actually willing to buy such items. haha! cause i wanna turn something i'm good at into a business. since i'm doing what i like, and i can earn some cash. i know this sounds really weird and random :( but anywayyyyyy...i'm like seriously considering...haha!

back to cross stitching...still working on irfan's birthday present, even though it's a week overdued. hahha! oh wells...was too busy during the holidays anyway...

time to go! bye(:

missingagain.

2010-11-26T02:46:00.002+08:00

i feel like such an ass right now. this week is such a horrible week :( the worst being losing ian. honestly, i don't even know how i lost him. it felt as if he just vanished from the face of this earth :( i haven't been able to concentrate on anything. i feel as if a whole chunk of me just disappeared along with him. i really want to find him back. i just want him home safely like really really badly. the tears have yet to dry up.

darling bought me ashley today...not as a substitute or replacement. but as something new, to keep me company. but i really miss ian a lot. :(

sighs...and to add on to the stress, this week's test didn't go as smooth as possible, and i didn't get my 100% in the math test as i expected myself to get.

i seem to have lost all motivation.

i miss you my baby darling! please come home! :(

freeflow.

2010-10-09T05:34:00.004+08:00

the tears are falling. and i can't seem to go to bed.
you're on my mind, but you don't even know it.
today was a day of hurt, a day of pain.
you're cutting me inside out, but you claim you're innocent.
all the guilt that's washing over me.
all the pain that i'm sharing with you.
i don't even know why this happened in the first place.
i don't even know why the tears are free flowing at all.
all this time i thought you'd be sensitive to my feelings,
just like how i try to be to yours.
but at the end of the day my plan backfires.
so why even bother trying at all?

strangers.

2010-09-30T12:48:00.002+08:00

funny how i can be so surrounded by people, yet i feel unwelcome.
funny how i can be so surrounded by people, yet i feel invisible.
funny how i can be so surrounded by people, yet i feel alone.
isn't it funny how people may act like they love you or care for you, but in actually fact in their hearts your one of their worst enemies?

you don't have to tell me you hate me for me to know that you do. it's written all over your face, and shown through your actions. so much for being a family. so much for standing by each other through all the ups and downs. so much for being all in this together. if all of you are going to be like this, i rather walk out right now, then suffer for the next few years of my life.

news flash, i'd rather not have a single friend, than to have a bunch of hypocritical ones.

OAC!

2010-09-27T09:52:00.002+08:00

hello! haven't been updating for a very long while...due to laziness. HAHAHA! just camp back from OAC yesterday. had a blast there at kota tinggi. friendly instructors, crazy batch mates, crazier SGLS, and the craziest AGLs. hahahahaha! starting to miss OAC already. minus the cold showers and hard concrete bed. but the fun i had is incomparable to all the other bad stuff. hahaha! the best part of the whole camp was definitely the waterfall "exhibition" as qiu dong described it. haha! i love rock climbing so it was definitely a very good experience. haha! even though i was fearing for my life half the time. hahahahahaha! campfire night was the second best, where we crowned our dum king and queen. and most of all...KIBA's performance!!!! man it was good! hahaha! so proud of kiba! all of us worked hard together throughout the whole camp, especially during the expedition to the waterfall. helping one another. such strong bonds wouldn't have formed if we didn't work hard together. but we really come through! YAY! :D hahahahahaha!

anyway...on a side note. i was quite disappointed at certain things that happen. it really showed me another side of people that i didn't really want to see. honestly thought better of them. sighs...it just shows how selfless we can be when there's a need to be.

anyway...i can't wait to go out with darling!!!! he's currently having MDC attachment at NUH this whole week, so i have lesser time to spend with him this week. ohh wells. counting down till the time i can see him later after his attachment(: hehheh.

i'm bored right now. LIKE SUPER. so i'm playing maple. hahaha! so lonely. D: i shall go eat breakfast now. can't believe i woke up at 5am this morning. HAHAHAHA! i slept at 6 last evening. didn't expect to sleep through the night. only wanted to take a nap. hahaha! okay...time for breakfast! bye! :D

darling said the song just the way you are reminds him of me! LOL...and they played the song during campfire night :D <3

thisisasfarasitgets.

2010-08-08T23:28:00.002+08:00

you know...if this is the first time it happened, i would just let it pass. like how i did when i experienced such hurt from you. but you yourself know that this isn't the first time your impatience caused you to burst out at me. everytime it happens, you apologise, and thank me for being so tolerant with you. but everyone has their own limits. i'm not your human punching bag okay. after all those years of putting up with your insults and sarcasm. you say you're sorry. yet are you truly sorry?

what happened last night was that i was just upset. it's okay if you didn't agree you know. but you didn't have to be so mean and be a bitch about the whole thing by rubbing it in and being so bloody sarcastic. i heard you the last time okay. i'm not exactly deaf. i walked out cause i didn't want to ruin the mood afterwards for you guys. you have no idea how much i cried okay. you have no freaking idea. i just sat at the bloody bus stop and cried. i didn't even stop crying the whole night and this morning. i wasn't even angry at you. i was just so hurt and upset that you could actually say such hurtful words to me. then i wake up and receive more insults and hurt from the rest. thanks so much guys. thanks a lot. i know how much you guys love me. so nice of everyone yeah?

fruitypebbles.

2010-08-08T01:05:00.002+08:00

today was such a good day. woke up in the morning. i was wasting my life away in the morning. not sure what i even did. church in the afternoon. i totally love pastor chris long. whoever is able to sleep during any of his service is a retard. like seriously. then dinner in the evening with irfan. had a super fun time with him. talked and walked. oh and KFC-ed. :D shared 3 piece chicken meal, since both of us didn't have enough money. haha! pathetic. i know. lol...but still. another awesome day with him :D

tomorrow is study date! will be out with irfan the whole day! can't wait. no idea where we're going to study though. maybe berrylite. lol...

i'm walking out. i'm sure everyone will be so super glad. yay right?!?!?! i know you guys won't miss me one bit. cause i sure won't. i'm dead weight anyway. i don't matter to you people. you can walk over and trample over me anytime. i'm just a piece of doormat for you guys anyway. so it doesn't matter anyway.

dance time. literally. :X i'm tired and dying already. i think it's the crying. ah wells. doesn't matter anyway.

dreamsandnightmares.

2010-07-31T12:13:00.002+08:00

weird dreams last night :( i dreamt about alex! :( i miss her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :((((((((((((( and i dreamt about other stuff too :( haix...bad day. i'm so sad now D:

i shall wallow in my sorrows now. :(

bye.

transformed

2010-07-23T09:50:00.001+08:00

i realised i haven't been blogging for a really long time. gosh...i've been too busy and lazy. hahaha! been going out with irfan almost everyday. study and hang out. i have like many quizzes and tests coming up. i'm like so entirely dead man please. haven't really started studying actually. D:

was at iluma yesterday with him. was on our big ipod nano hunt. i honestly don't see how my ipod just went missing like that. cause both me and darling remember that i left it in my bag before going to watch the movie. BUT IT JUST DISAPPEARED LIKE THAT!!!!!!!! goodness man. D: all my money that i spent!!! plus my earphones which i only bought a few months ago. sighs...i really want to cry alr D: and darling keeps saying that he'll buy me an itouch. but i don't want!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want my ipod back. and i'll be really satisfied alr :(

and i really want to see him today! hahaha! he's wearing his blitzkrieg shirt and i've never seen him in that shirt before. LOL...i know it's super random. hahahha! IS today. body and conclusion test. should be okay, seeing that it's an open book test :D hahaha! plus thesaurus.com is really awesome :D hahahhaha! and as usual, i'm gonna use word to type everything for the word count first, before transferring on paper. hahaha! i'm seriously a genius :D hopefully there's enough time. lol...

and i keep freaking out. i don't know why. whenever i see her i just freak out. it's irrational. but i just don't like her around me.

yesterday was a guotie parade! 7 boxes of guotie, eaten by 2 AGLs, 4 SGLs, and ME! hahaha! one box per person. cain, weijie and clement are so evil! keep making me hungry by eating the guotie so exaggeratedly while i was waiting for ben to come back from helping me buy guotie as well. hahahha! watched knight and day with yuhan and cain on cain's laptop. honestly, i don't even get the storyline. wadtheheck man seriously.

anyway...going to school soon. was supposed to meet him to go to sch together, but i woke up late. as usual. sorry! :(

okay! going off soon! BYE :D

:(

2010-07-11T12:49:00.001+08:00

why does everyone think they can freaking bully me? what the hell. get out of my life. i don't need a brother like you.

wideawake.

2010-06-25T02:56:00.003+08:00

i can't sleep D: cause i slept too much already! i slept for about more than 15 hours yesterday! :X training totally wiped me out after i each home. i just crashed on my bed the moment i got home D: but after training i went iluma for froyo! :D happy girl yesterday! got to spend my whole day out x) training was extremely fun but tiring D: and i was amazed at the fact that i didn't step out of campus run at all. i'm like slowly training up my own stamina :D i heard that we're doing full campus run next week, and that the AGLs are joining us as well(: coolio! :D

anyways...going out tomorrow again! gonna cut my hair and buy some jeans. hahaha! i need jeans man seriously. LOL...then probably going iluma for arcade with qien gege! :D yay! i want my bearbear!!! andi want it NOW! but before that, an engineer is coming over to my house to fix my laptop. cause it's giving me a lot of problems D: and it's pretty new! so i don't know why it's misbehaving :X

okay! i'm going to bed soon! hopefully can sleep! cause i'm aching all over, and having a bad headache :X so yeah...gosh...this really sucks! okay! i'm off!

adios! :D

deeplycut.

2010-06-19T02:48:00.003+08:00

got hurt super deeply by your words last night. i couldn't sleep the entire night cause of it. your doubt in me, and your lack of trust in my decision. what if i told you He's in control? what if i told you that everything is in His hands? i did let go and let Him. why do you think i could have pulled through so long? it's already the 3rd week. if He wasn't in control, it wouldn't even last past 1. i don't exactly know what you're worrying about...whether i'm too immature, or that it's not the right person. or both? i told you i was truly happy with my decision and i don't regret. if anything happens, so be it. but i'll be ready to face these obstacles.

was supposed to go to the flyer after meeting up to do the infotech project. but decided to stay in school to watch a movie instead. watched x-men origins and half of D-wars. then went BPP to slack and eat dinner with irfan. was walking around popular with my teenage magazine before irfan came, and the popular lady thought i stole it after i walked out -.- had to accompany her to the first floor to check with the magazine stand that i honestly did buy the magazine from there. seriously can't believe that the popular lady followed me from popular all the way to the library. like OMG man seriously. ate omelette fried noodles and shared takoyaki with him. then he treated me to fro-yo from glaci0us. somehow i don't really mind fro-yo that's made from powder. cause i don't really like overly creamy stuff. but still...berrylite's yogurt is definitely the best! hahaha! cause it's authentically made from non-fat milk. yummy(:

i'm doing my CQ project instead of sleeping. was supposed to pass it to them just now. but i'm stuck D: i'm seriously lost :X the part that i was allocated to is really really difficult, cause i don't even know what they want. cause they just said "the place". how ambiguous is that man. gosh...i think i should go to bed first and continue tomorrow morning D: sighs...so many projects on hand, but SO LITTLE TIME!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay. off to bed! church tomorrow. must wake up bright and early tomorrow to do my project, then head down to meet new life and 2pm for lunch.

adios peeps(:

past.

2010-06-13T02:15:00.004+08:00

radical conference maybe over, but we're not quite done yet. or at least i'm not quite done yet. i want the change to happen. i want it bad. but it has got to start with me. this year's radical conference was good. but somehow, to me the atmosphere wasn't there. i felt like many of us weren't there with a heart of expectation. i knew i didn't prepare myself well for RC this year compared to the previous years. i didn't have the expectation in my heart. i didn't have to the foresight to see what God had installed for me during this year's RC, and i didn't put on my future lens to see what RC could be like for me this year. but God really spoke to me through the many services and workshops. though i didn't attend some of them. i bought the sermon CDs, but i have yet to listen to them. wanted to buy the whole set, but i was short on cash :X

anyway, i have made my decision. i'm going to continue to stand my beliefs, and trust in Him no matter what. i know that He may not be all too pleased with my decision, but i trust in His plans that He has for me. plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

today was a bad day due to the unexpected headache and nauseousness i had after service. man it was really bad that i could even sit on the bench. i had to squat down. really felt like throwing up man. migraines really really sucks. D:

work tomorrow! have to wake up at 6! but i'm still awake! gege is already unhappy about me sleeping at 5 last night. and i promised i'll sleep early today. sorry gege! broke my promise :X

okays! time to go! love ya'll! :D have a goodnight and sweet dreams! x)

we are called for greater,

we are called for more.

radical.

2010-06-11T16:32:00.002+08:00

currently hating myself a lot for missing the plenary session, and the workshop for radical conference just now, JUST CAUSE I OVERSLEPT! D: i'm so pissed off with myself :X

anyway...i'm heading out for the night session soon. going to bathe first then go out. hopefuly i won't be late AGAIN -.-

bye(:

parachute.

2010-06-04T02:41:00.002+08:00

these past few days has really been awesome, and i really thank God for all His blessings! without Him, nothing would be possible, and what i am today would not have been achieved. and i really thank Him for the people He has placed into my live. all my new friends that i've met. and the new start that He has given me. really thank You, Lord!

and thank you for being there with me throughout. sharing my joy, laughter, sadness, tears and illness. for taking care of me, and being there for me when i needed you the most. and most importantly, being such a great great friend. you're really amazing, and i honestly thank God for you.

and yes, i'm still sick. it seems like i'm never gonna get well. my fever is like on and off, and if you hear me cough, it's like you think i'm gonna cough up blood soon or something. seriously...omg...i feel like dying D:

sighs...am i doing what is right? what if a few years down the road, everything goes to waste? i won't know what to do by then...

causeyou'reherewithme.

2010-06-01T18:58:00.005+08:00

hello! i'm staying back in school to study! but now i'm taking a break, so i decided to blog!(: it's been a really crazy week already even though it's only tuesday. what with me falling sick yesterday, and missing my organic chemistry quiz :( and it wasn't that tough so to speak. goshhhh...but i went to see the doctor yesterday to get my MC and medicine, so hopefully i'll get well soon! man the cough syrup is really strong D: i felt so sleepy yesterday half an hour after taking it that i just crashed on my bed for 4 hours, from 12 to 4pm. and i was woken up by a call. went to the library to study after that, thinking that i was going to have a retest. but apparently not. so i practically wasted my time there. GOSH D:

then today was even better. took my medication during organic chemistry lecture. half an hour into the lecture and i was already floating. managed to stay awake, but my head felt so light i felt like i was really floating :X i almost fainted a couple of times today! was having a really really horrible headache :( hope i'll be well by next week to sit for my common test! i need to ace it!!!!

things has been going well for me. i'm really gonna continue to rely on God and trust Him. and i'll continue to pray that i won't make hasty and wrong decisions. i'll continue to pray for that dream that God placed in me. to be that shining light!(:

society training tomorrow! so super excited i can't wait!! yay! :D hopefully i won't die tomorrow :X if we're doing campus run...i might not even survive! :X

if not for you i wouldn't know what to do. thank you for always being there for me. i really really honestly appreciate it! you're one in a million!(:

okay! back to studying! cell biology common test on monday! hope i'll still be alive by monday!

BYEBYE!(:

i'll keep smiling and i'll keep shining(:

athousandmiles.

2010-05-29T02:04:00.002+08:00

hello world! i'm alive. yes! i am!!!! LOL...sorry. i'm trying to keep myself awake. i need to pull an all-nighter till 5 or 6. yes. i know i'm crazy, but i know it'll happen too. hahahaha. it's just a matter of whether i will study or play. HAHAHAHA! but i really need to study of organic chem. sighs...i'm slowly killing myself from internally outwards. i'm just yawning and tearing like mad now. D:

anyway...had work today at PP. was late for work -.- then had the post FOC BBQ thing after that. i was semi awake by the time it was 8.30pm? seriously...I WAS DYING!!!!!!!!!! D: blood sugar level went to an all time low for the day. gosh. i was too high before that alr. and work just totally drained half of my energy. i wanted to spend my time during break sleeping! but i was too hungry alr. so bought a fish burger from mos burger for lunch. LOL...

anyway...the BBQ was fun but tiring cause i too high and keep chasing people. esp. the usually three people who like to bully me D: namely...irfan, jason and wenliang -.- tiring uhhh. chase after them. LOL...

then home sweet home after that. hahahaha!

crazy night tonight. hahahaha! my brain has ceased to function already. GREAT. i just feel like sleeping now. my head feels so heavy :( maybe i should. i'm falling sick again. -.- i'm like typing then sleeping then typing again. HAHAHA! epic fail man. -.- at least i've done my casegrader! i still need to do my biostats tutorial, biostats prac, cell bio logbook and cell bio tutorial 3A. plus all the biostats tutorials that i have not done. -.- OMG...

okay! i honestly think i'm dying D: seriously. i should just go to bed. been sleeping late everyday. it's finally taking a toll on my health. i'm extremely sleep deprived D:

sleepytime(: the 3 year old shouldn't even be awake now. LOL...GOONIGHT! :D

L4D2.

2010-05-20T01:30:00.002+08:00

got dragged to play L4D2 today. did i ever tell you that i hate L4D2? yeah i do. it's retarded. but ah wells. had fun playing cause of the company, and not cause of the game. i still think it's retarded. -.-

anyway. i totally crashed during cell bio lecture. like seriously. i haven't even studied what i missed. i haven't even done my project research for the cell bio project. OMG. seriously...what have i been doing for the past few days, the past few weeks?!?!?! i'm like wasting my time and life away. gosh...i lack motivation. like big time!!!! i feel like slapping myself now D:

anyway...i shall go to bed now. biostats in the morning tomorrow! i must not be late!!!!!!!!!!! if not i'll be murdered :X

goodnight! :D

i'll walk a thousand miles if i could just to see you, tonight.

sweets!

2010-05-18T23:48:00.002+08:00

yay! i'm a happy girl today! like so super happy! :D hahahaha! today was a great day! i shall begin from what happened after school!

went to iluma to eat yogurt with irfan again! hahahahaha! last monday we went, friday we also went. hahahaha! then we ate at subway! :D hahaha! sorry irfan! make you sit there and watch me eat. haha! then he sent me to the interchange to look for ken. hahaha! the bus ride as always...lol...war zone. hahahahaha! oh...and i saw kengrong again today!!! x)

then met ken at CCK interchange. he drove me to dempsey road to buy sweets at jones the grocer! haha! yay! love BFF to the max! belated birthday present from him! :D hahaha! bought sweet and nougat. :D initially he brought me there to buy lollipops. but they cleared stock cause they were all expired. LOL...so...no lollipops D: hahaha! then he drove me home and we sat in the car to talk for a while. another war zone during that time -.- hahahahahaha!

anyways...today i heard the most retarded, ridiculous and despicable thing ever. seriously. only you can come up with something like that. you and your oddball theories. -.- to think you called me childish. you're pathetic! utter low-life. seriously, affair??? what the heck? how does someone have an affair if the said person isn't even attached to anyone??? like what qi en said. you apparently failed your english O levels. well done man. you really outdid yourself already. well done. GET YOUR OWN LIFE AND STOP LIVING ON MINE TO BOOST YOUR OWN BLOODY EGO.

okay. enough of ranting about that person. had enough of him and his nonsense. gosh...coward! -.-

bye world! :D i'm currently enjoying my nougat :D

thelastsong.

2010-05-17T13:43:00.003+08:00

went to watch the last song ytd with irfan. i loved the movie, as in the storyline. but i did not like the actor. note, i said actor, not actors. had a great laugh with irfan throughout the entire movie. hahahaha! thanks for the talk last night!(:

waiting for class to start now...organic chemistry tutorial. crap man seriously. argh...i feel so stupid for not knowing how to do the tutorial questions. gosh. :(

anyway...i have so many things to do, but i have no idea why i'm not doing any of them. so easily distracted, so easily bored, can't even sit still for 10 mins. seriously man...i'm overly hyper active. :X not a good thing sometimes. ARGH!!!

anyway...i think i should get going now. hahaha. so that i can slowly make my way to class. hahaha!

bye world! :D

ps: stop being such a stalker face and get your own life?

lost.

2010-05-16T02:26:00.002+08:00

everywhere i go now i see people that seriously give me the chills. gosh...everyone is telling me to be careful. now i don't even know who to trust. :X

i miss him! this is so irrational but i do D: gosh...it's been 3 months and 2 days. yet it feels like 6 months. sometimes i just stone and think about us. and then i remember how i screwed up and how i hurt you, and how i let her affect me so much. and how i didn't control all my emotions, and how everything went downwards spiraling after that tuesday night. :( seeing you on monday. another wave of emotions and thoughts. i thought i'd let go. but apparently not. :X

i'm tired but i can't sleep. why can't everything just come to a stand still so i can fix everything one by one.

my dear girl, what the heck are you doing to your own life????? you honestly deserve a slap from yourself. can you start walking with God and working on your spiritual life and stop slacking? can you please start studying and stop slacking. can you please grow up and stop making people worried about you all the time?? WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?????????

thankssomuch.

2010-05-10T22:26:00.002+08:00

so annoyed right now. went to iluma with irfan for yogurt. little did i expect to see him of all people over there. and i was LEAVING already when i saw him. like hello?!?!? couldn't you just stay up there for a little longer? like wadtheheck. it's like on purpose, cause i think i bumped into them on the way to the toilet, but i didn't notice. OMG. like wadtheheck man seriously. it's like as if everything was planned out or something. so much for missing him -.-

seeing him sort of just ruined my night alr. -.- i can live without seeing him for the rest of my life. gosh...and he still...ARGH!!!! aiyohhhhhhh...childish!!! -.-

anyways...i did my cell bio tutorial alr. gonna do my biostatistics tutorial next. but first i needa go bathe! so...bye! :D

oh...and my scholarship interview is tmr! :X AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nervous nervous! :X but...jiayous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! chiong all the way!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

isitme?

2010-05-09T23:19:00.002+08:00

somehow i feel like i'm the cause of all your hurts. everything you're going through.

is it me?

restrictions

2010-05-09T04:14:00.003+08:00

i hate the fact that i have to impose so many restrictions to myself, for my own safety. i hate them bloody restrictions. i hate it so so much!!!!!!!!!! i hate the fact that i can't do so many things, just because of my spine surgery. i hate how i can't do so many things that i want to do just because of it. i want to join magnum force, but i can't. i know if i join, i'll definitely be a flier. but i can't. i can't cause if i fall, i might hurt myself and kill myself because my spine might literally shatter. i hate the fact that i can't join inline skating cause i might kill myself too. and i can't even be a figure skater, because i might fall really badly and kill myself too. i hate this. i really hate this so so much. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel so bloody ass useless at times cause i can't do so many things. so many bloody restrictions that i'm forced to place on myself. wadtheheck man!!!

epicfail.

2010-05-03T02:43:00.003+08:00

seriously. i'm a total epic failure. doing casegrader is RETARDED! loss so many marks due to one careless mistake. and i kept putting the freaking date wrongly, so i ended up losing even more marks. WADTHEHECK MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so freaking pissed off right now. to think it's my birthday -.- OMG TO THE MAX!!!!

anyway...today was a retarded day. wanted to die during work. mad rush doing closing. ended up closing so late today. i thought we would be very early. i don't even know how we ended up being so late. sorry jolene for being so slow! :X

i'm so annoyed and pissed off right now, and my back is itching like crazy cause it's really stuffy in my room and i'm sweating like mad. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! annoying crap. :X

going to MFM @ iluma to celebrate my birthday tmr! :D then going to cheeky for dessert. meeting the folks at bugis after school.

and i feel like killing myself because of you. seriously. i don't even dare talk to you anymore. so forgive me if i start ignoring you

i should go to bed now, before i drop dead and die. but first...i needa prepare for the biostats presentation tomorrow. goodnight people! i feel like a total wreck right now. :(

downpourofemotions.

2010-04-29T00:51:00.002+08:00

i wanted to stand in the rain today and cry my heart out. that way, no one would know the hurt i'm feeling, and no one would the the tears falling. WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?????

i don't want this to happen! omg!!!! i feel like dying right now! i'm feeling so super vexed i don't have any idea what to do!!!!!!!!!! i feel like killing myself now!!! :X

everything is going in the bloody wrong direction! i honestly feel like killing myself right now/dying.

i'm just gonna crawl into bed and wallow in my sorrows, and cry my heart out, because i missed the rain.

goodnight world.

full.

2010-04-28T01:40:00.003+08:00

i hate the fact that i'm not close to the girls in my class, except for the calypso people. and it's weird that i talk to the guys more than i talk to the girls sometimes. :( i wish the class would hang out more together!!!!!!!!

anyway...i worked today! and i'm still up. i should go to bed soon! and i'm going now! yay! so glad that the biostats project is finalized, and almost done! :D haha! now to get cracking on the cell bio project!(: 加油！你有ME! :D

if you don't love me at my worst, then you don't even deserve me at my best. everyone has been telling me that. and now i have finally put everything to past. even though i still think about you sometimes, i won't allow you to be a stronghold in my life ever again. to me, valentine's day was a bittersweet memory. but i'll still remember what went down, and how i can change in the future.

macaroons.

2010-04-24T03:34:00.005+08:00

you promised them to me ages ago. but it never happened. you are and always have been a liar. but i'm glad that in my heart, you no longer exist. i stopped renting that part of my heart to you anymore. because you did now you don't matter to me anymore. i stop wasting my time and energy to try to rebuild something that was completely destroyed.

it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away

i will never ever again let anyone take my heart away with mere words. talk is cheap honestly. prove to me that you're worth my time and love with your actions. and i don't mean physically. show me that you love me, not just tell me.

i'm glad i've finally done my biostats tutorial. except for one question that i have no idea how to do. i managed to figure out the rest of the questions! i'm a happy girl now! :D haha! and i can sleep in peace for tonight. lol...tomorrow is organic chem day! :X but gambatte! i know i can do it! :D

GOODNIGHTS!!!!!

D4F!

2010-04-22T23:41:00.004+08:00

yesterday was the best day since school started this week! LSCT ALL THE WAY!!! we got 3rd in dance4fun! man! it was really epic! i love it to the max! after so many days of practising! working so hard just to get everything rite, until i cui already and even sprained my ankle, this achievement is really awesome! haha! thank you everyone! especially the GLs! haha! and for looking after me uhhh...cause they all know i'm dying already. haha! i almost wanted to pull out to let ain dance cause i honestly wanted to die. but i didn't in the end. cause ain worked so hard to teach us the dance steps. didn't wanna let her down! and thanks for feeding us chocolate cookies! like literally shoving them in our mouths! haha! and for giving me so many! just to make me smile :D lol...oh...ya'l can go to my facebook profile to look at our dance video! it's really awesome!

anyway! finally the first week of school has come to an end! it's been a really tiring week, especially with D4F! but now that it's over, i can go back to focusing on my studies! i haven't done a single tutorial! i think i'm the only one in class who hasn't done my tutorial :X goshhh...i need to start working harder! AIM FOR THAT 4.0 GPA!!! hahaha!

on a side note, i almost got killed in school today. haha! almost got knocked down by a taxi. best price! haha! everyone, you can now start screaming "HAZARD HAZARD" -.-

okay! i needa do a little bit of my tutorial first, before i go to bed. hopefully i'll be able to do biostats by tonight, cause i'm super ultra busy during the weekends.

and i'm really upset that i can't join the LSCT FOC outing tomorrow :( but might go find them immediately after service for dinner. haha! sorry NL! pangseh dinner with you guys tomorrow! :X

okay! off to do tutorials! nights! ♥

rewrite.

2010-04-20T22:32:00.002+08:00

how do i try to correct a misunderstanding without hurting your feelings? gosh...dilemma :X

i can't go to bed because i'm so irritated! so many things happening, and somethings are beyond my control. i want to correct the situation, but the question is how? i don't want to lose my friendship because of some retarded misunderstanding. annoying to the max! for now i'll just close one eye, and let things fade first. there will be a difference, and the difference has to start with me. sorry.

i feel damn freaking bad now. my conscience is clear, but i still feel super bad. oh God! please turn this situation around!

firstday.

2010-04-19T23:17:00.002+08:00

it's finally the first day of school! and i'm already so tired that i wanna DIE! was late for class today! :( but thank God mrs chan didn't mark us as late for today. gosh...if i didn't miss that 184...sighs...

anyway...D4F training today was a lot better, even though i was tired, and aching. today's dance is so much easier! but i hated the fact that they taught us the same parts differently, because cain taught us first, and the original choreographer ain taught us again. it was freaking different. ANNOYING CRAP!!!! :( reached home quite late, and was practising just now also in the dining room. hahaha!

anyway...dinner with calypso was epic! with mcenroe FAILING to remember the names of the calypso freshies, and with us trying to confuse him. HAHAHA! cause celine, eileen and yeung ling were sitting together, so all the lin and ling sounds confused him. hahaha! and he totally can't remember ting yan's name, so now his nick for him is lucy. hahaha! AUNTIE LUCY! JUSTIN BIBLE! hahaha! omgg...really miss FOC! hahaha! great fun! i only saw a few calypso people, like yuening, brianna, hongyue, etc...didn't see wenxiang though :(

and the SGLs today CRAZY one! annoying! esp cain, moses and kc! RAWR! feel like biting them! :( bully me sia! haiyoh! hahaha!

okays! going to bed now! tomorrow's class starts at 9 :X gosh...NIGHTS! :D

cui-ed.

2010-04-18T00:14:00.003+08:00

i'm officially dead i tell you! super super cui luh! after dance training today i wanted to die!!!!!!!! when i arrived at church i was already half dead! and by the time we got to service i was officially dead. i was dead physically, but somehow my brain and hand can still function even though my eyes were closed. i was still listening and taking down notes with half closed eyes. i'm so super tired!!!! :(

this week was a fun but torturous week! :( after LSCT FOC, media, work, D4F training and church, plus the outreach tomorrow! i haven't had a proper rest man! i'm out everyday, working my heart out everyday. coming home feeling so drained and weak, sleeping late cause i'm so tired that i can't even sleep. (i know im weird.) plus next week i have D4F training EVERY NIGHT until the competition, which is on thursday. plus i dunno when is my ice-skating -have to check on monday- plus...i sort of regretted joining D4F. it's fun, BUT SUPER TIRING. plus i'm slowly killing my back :X aching so much today luh! the training is really damn hiong, cause we only have 5 days to learn and practice the whole choreography! plus the dance steps we learnt today are really very tough at certain parts, and i can't keep up to the timing sometimes. and once i miss the timing, i'll just screw up the rest of the dance steps. argh! so annoying! hope the calypso people will come down to support us! hahaha!

okay end of ranting! :( can't believe i broke down again and wanted to give up entirely again! i feel like i'm such a weakling! yuening is right about the fact that my life is so super hectic! :( sighs...everyone thinks so too! jason, YN, mce, ken. sighs...

okay! i shall end here luh!(: BYEBYE!

calypso! ♥

2010-04-16T01:53:00.007+08:00

some photos from LSCT FOC! calypso! ♥ hahaha! camp was super fun and amazing! :D made so many new friends! :D i miss them already! hahaha! calypso rocks!

me and ashton! with my teddy and his purple elmo! x)

with mcenroe, kim, weisheng, yuening & wenxiang :D

with yuening & wenxiang! :D

LSCT was so super fun! hahaha! all the retarded games and stuff. haha! the night of nightwalk was the best! hahaha! cause it was super hilarious! like talking to yuening and wenxiang. and sleeping on the floor with them before the nightwalk. cause we were like super tired and we were trying not to sleep, but we just keep dozing off leaning against the wall. then we really can't take it so we just slept on the floor. hahahahahaha! and performance night was the best too! edwin's sexy dance! plus our encore. hahahaha! didn't really enjoy hop night much cause i was so tired. hahahaha!

but anyways...haha! tomorrow is another busy day for me! :( needa go down to NP in the afternoon to buy my textbooks and stuff, then i have to go to work in the evening. damn sian luh!! hahahaha! but still...sighs...gambatte! hahahaha!

anyway...i saw three retarded guys running damn gayly today from someone who can't even be bother about them. three grown guys. i literally rolled my eyes when i saw it cause it was so damn freaking gay. hahahahaha!

anyways...i'm going to bed le! super super sleepy now! hahahahahahaha! goodnight world! byebye!(:

i'mback!

2010-04-14T23:39:00.003+08:00

this is my 300th post! :D haha! SO FAST!!!!!

hello! today was the end of LSCT FOC! haha! fun but super tiring! i'm currently surviving on 3 hours of sleep. gosh...i feel like dying.

going to fairfield tomorrow for media! hope the sec ones will stop being so annoying. gosh.............................

my little experiment was such a success today. so super happy now. i officially like to say that it's OVER! so so so OVER EVERYTHING! *does clap clap cheer* haha! sorry i zi-highing now. lol...

okay i shall go now! BYE!

packing.

2010-04-12T00:35:00.001+08:00

i'm trying to pack for FOC camp now but...SIGHS...i'm having a really shit ass feeling which is hindering my packing, cause i keep thinking, and i've been thinking too much. hope everything will be over soon.

stopitplease!

2010-04-11T21:18:00.002+08:00

i wish you would stop doing this to me. it's eating me inside out. sighs...

i have the most retarded schedule next week. i was sort of expecting that rey would put me for fixing machine in the morning, but it turns out i'm doing closing -.- and i'm only working 4.5 hours in total next week. hahaha!

LSCT FOC tomorrow, and i still have yet to pack my stuff. sighs...it's gonna be a mad rush tonight. but i'm really sleepy now :( ugh...this is so annoying :(

i've nothing much to say for today. i wasted all my energy zi-highing the moment i saw him. gosh...i'm crazy already.

bye world!

secretsinstereo.

2010-04-11T03:34:00.002+08:00

i don't want to live a day without you,
i just want to be the one that makes you happy.

patientlywaiting.

2010-04-11T00:06:00.003+08:00

hello! today was yet another crazy day! early in the morning went to shengsiong with trevor and qi en to buy the food for the steamboat dinner. haha! i almost didn't want to wake up. lol...i only woke up cause qi en was downstairs waiting for me. lol...if not because of him...i might just continue sleeping, and the two guys have to go buy the food themselves. hahahaha! make me wake up so early luh!!! :( i was falling asleep at giana's house because of that. haha! really really tired.

i was a little pissed off just now, because of something. sighs...we really need to have a serious talk about what's going and stuff, cause it's not only driving me crazy, it's driving almost everyone crazy too! annoying to the max!

but anyway...dinner was relatively fun. haha! i love our jamming sessions :D haha! so super fun! one thing i love hanging out with NL(: and the froyo was the best part! hahahahaha! :D i'm sure everyone loved it as well :D lol...

going to buy my shoes tmr with qi en, then guitar strings and finally arcade! :D hahaha! i want that humongous bear that is worth 3400 tickets for my birthday!!!! hahahaha! therefore we're going to the arcade tomorrow :D hahaha!

okay! i'm going to play my AoE already! byebye! :D

idon'twanttomissathing.

2010-04-09T23:15:00.000+08:00

aerosmith's i don't want to miss a thing suddenly came into my mind for no apparent reason. omg...i'm going crazy! :X but still...it's one of my favourite songs when i was a kid. hahaha!

judgemental.

2010-04-09T23:07:00.001+08:00

i promised myself that i won't judge anyone anymore, yet i still judge you.

what the hell is wrong with me?

myob.

2010-04-09T22:57:00.003+08:00

seriously...get a life. sighs...every time when i hear something new about me, it's somehow in relation to something that i've said, whether or not about anyone. seriously...don't you have anything better to do? gosh...

my eye has been like hurting since this morning, and it still hurts like crazy! ugh...so annoying :X

went for dinner with isaiah just now! haha! super funny plus retarded as usual! haha! i love our almost weekly meet ups for meals :D one of the highlights of my week :D haha! it made my day today! :D but i'll be sad once he goes to europe next year for a month! especially when he's most probably flying off in may!!! :( haha!

anyway...i'm super excited for tomorrow! steamboat at giana's house!!! :D yay! i bought THREE take home packs for tomorrow! :D haha! i'm so nice! x) (kidding!!!) gonna buy the food with trevor tomorrow! early in the morning at shengsiong :X haha! i need my beauty sleep!!!!! lol...

anyway...happy birthday bren! haha! long time no see(: (sorry this is very random cause i don't know what else to blog about. hahaha!)

anyway...going to play my age of empires! :D currently hooked on to it. lol...

until next time!(:

sweetdreamsandnightmares.

2010-04-09T02:42:00.002+08:00

this is the third dream i had about you, and i'm driving myself crazy :X sighs...even in my subconscious mind, i'm still thinking about you.

i just to hug my bear and go to bed right now, and forget about everything for tonight. and i want your jersey too!

this is not good. :(

coward.

2010-04-08T20:15:00.002+08:00

that's all you ever were, that's all you ever will be. you refuse to have a heart to heart talk with me, running away every time you see me. you really are a coward. avoidance. is that the only thing you ever do? avoid avoid avoid. you have no goal or ambition in life. you refuse to fight for anything you want, even if it's change you desire. your dreams, they don't even exist, because you don't even dream about your future, what you want to become, what your future will be like. you just live life, letting others lead you, even if they lead you to a ditch. i sympathise you, i honestly do.

youhaveamajorproblem.

2010-04-07T18:05:00.003+08:00

i don't know what's in that head of yours..but you need to stop whatever you're doing. seriously. you can tell the whole world about what i did to you, and you can tell everyone how much you hate me, but it won't change anything. so why tell everyone in the first place? stop it, before i really really hate you for life.

conspiracies.

2010-04-07T01:43:00.002+08:00

i keep getting the feeling that everyone is hiding something from me. this feeling has been there for a few weeks, but i can't shake it off. i hate it when people hide things from me. it's so annoying :X argh...

one more month. i don't know why i'm thinking about next month already. but my only wish on that day is that our friendship can be pieced back together. somehow. that's all i wish for this year, on that day. would you even remember that day and date?

ican'tletgo.

2010-04-07T00:33:00.003+08:00

great...it seems like i'm still the "xiao mei mei" everywhere i go. at home, church, and even work! :X went out with qi en today after work. went bras basah complex to buy guitar picks, iluma to play arcade, and vivo city to buy my dress. tiring day :( but had fun. haha! i want the bigbig bearbear from the iluma arcade!!! but..............3400 tickets. sighs...we can play like mad, but we won't get it anytime soon. haha!

at least there's no work tomorrow! i can sleep till the cows come home at night and no one would care :D hahahahahahaha! gosh...i feel so lethargic. and my arm is aching from playing the guitar. and my fingertips are numb too :( haha! but anyways...i love my new guitar picks! i bought 2! one orange, and one purple. haha! the purple one i bought for fun :D lol...and both picks have turtles on them :D

anyways...my only working day for the rest of the week is friday. haha! fixing machine with jolene and yanty :D haha! today's work with meixiao, van and dawn is crazy. they keep trying to imply so many things and twist my words. haha! very funny man! can't wait to work with them soon, but i don't think it's possible, because the only time i can work next week is friday :X sighs...next week is a BUSY WEEK!!! LSCT FOC and induction programme, media,church and our local outreach on sunday. only free day left is friday :X crappp.

oh...and...geges!!! please go out soon before my school starts! :( if not no time already!!! okay! :X

okays. i'm going to bed soon(: i'm getting really sleepy! haha! night nights!(:

andithappenedagain.

2010-04-05T20:21:00.004+08:00

wahpiang...ivan tan pangseh-ed me again! annoying! :( and i'm already at the place where we were supposed to meet at! crapppp...

anyway...just now was a really eventful day at work. there was this lady who kept coming back to buy our yogurt just now, even though we warned her that it's not good to eat too much yogurt, even though yogurt is good for your health. she at like 60 over ounces of yogurt, which is almost equivalent to 4 take home packs. it's really madness! i don't see how anyone can even eat that much yogurt within the space of 2 hours. honestly...

anyway...i'm very sian now, cause i'm stuck at iluma, cause i needa charge my ipod. but i wanna go home! this is so annoying. but whatever. once my ipod has a little battery to last me home, i'm totally flying home. so super tired right now.

i've been barely surviving the past few days. i'm really super super tired. i almost fainted on the way home yesterday. it was that bad. I NEED SLEEP! i've accumulated so much sleep debt, that now no matter how much i sleep i still feel tired. sighs........

okay i shall stop ranting. bye world!

zombie-fied.

2010-04-05T00:32:00.002+08:00

i think the title says it all. i really am zombie-fied at this point in time. i'm barely surviving on 3.5 hours of sleep. seriously. slept at 3.30am last night because i was scared to go to bed. then i woke up at 6.30am to go to work. and i reached parkway so super early! i have no idea why either! it's like the bus was traveling on turbo speed or something. reached parkway like half an hour early, so i slept for a little while. haha! after work i went shopping! man it was crazy! i spent $250++ today! like for real. bought my new school bag, clothes, and a new water bottle! haha! i still haven't bought my new shoes yet! :X still indecisive about that. lol...but anyway...i need to go out shopping soon again! hahaha! i'm gonna buy my dress like tomorrow, or tuesday. have to see how.

super glad about this week's schedule :D next week will be a busy week for me, what with LSCT FOC and induction programme. i think i'll only be able to work on one day next week. crap...i have a feeling that rey will murder me :X sighs...

okay...i'm going to bed now. i'm going to sleep in tomorrow, since work starts at 2 :D then i'm meeting ivan gege at 7.45pm after work! yay! excited! :D

okay! time for bed :D goodnight!

tryingtokeepitcool.

2010-04-04T01:45:00.002+08:00

i'm trying not to think so much. because the more i think of it, the more afraid i get. i broke down again today. i'm really really scared. i need to know that you're alright. i need to know that you'll be alright. a few months down the road, i don't know. i can't lose you. i'm afraid to lose you. if i really do lose you, i might lose myself too. :X

i'm done tagging the first 200 photos from the movie marathon. haha! 99 more to go! lol..but first i need to upload them. hahaha! so retarded! abi has the most number of photos. i wonder why...LOL...

anyway...i should really be going to bed, because i need to get up at 6.30am tomorrow morning to go to work. yupps. so adios! :D

moviemarathon.

2010-04-03T01:05:00.003+08:00

hello! i haven't blogged about yesterday's dinner with isaiah, and today's movie marathon! hahaha! so let's go! :D

yesterday's dinner with isaiah was awesome :D haha! duh! i'm having dinner with him! hahaha! we were just talking crap all the way, as it always is with him. lol...but it was fun :D haha! then took the MRT back home with him. your turn to treat next time isaiah chia!! haha! can't wait to go out with you again!

and today's movie marathon was crazy. we watched bring it on and drag me to hell. and in between that, we were like webcam photo-ing on my laptop like crazy. hahahaha! we took exactly 299 photos, and 19 videos. hahahaha! madness! i'm only gonna upload the glam photos. haha! the rest of the photos are for my keeps sake. lol...and remind me never ever to invite you guys to my house again. hahaha! i'm kidding! hahaha! can't wait for another gathering!

man..........i really don't wanna go to bed now. i'm really really scared now. i don't even dare to sleep. i won't be able to sleep in peace for the next 2 months man. i can't! everyday i'll just keep worrying about what's to come on that stupid date. i won't be able to even LIVE in peace for the next 2 months. at this point in time i really just feel like dying right now. it's like eating me inside to know that something might happen. i'm really really really scared to death right now. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dragmetohell.

2010-04-02T14:39:00.002+08:00

hello! sarah, abijoy, darius, kirby, shaun and xiaoming are at my house. haha! and we're watching drag me to hell. it's scaring the hell out of us. haha! it's really really very scary! like seriously. we're just screaming and screaming. HAHA! it's really retarded. lol...i'm so freaked out. haha! okay! i shall go now. LOL...

scaredtodeath.

2010-04-02T09:30:00.003+08:00

i've been having the same nightmare over and over again last night. and i think the previous night too. and i'm scared to death. i woke up and i cried man. i'm still crying in fact cause it was that scary, and i'm afraid this time it might come true again. death is scary. but nothing is scarier than dreaming of someone else's death. i'm scared because 3 years ago, i dreamt that my grandma died of cancer, and i even dreamt of the funeral. and she did pass away last year, because of cancer. now this nightmare that i had, there's a cause of death, and even a date of decease. an freaking DATE! and it's only a few months away. i'm like so so super scared now. i'm like lost for words man. oh God! please calm my restless mind!

inshock.

2010-04-01T03:15:00.001+08:00

i saw something, and now i'm beyond terrified. i don't know what it means. sighs...i need to stop scaring myself. :X

toomuchtohandle.

2010-04-01T00:19:00.003+08:00

hello! today was such a crazy and hectic day. my work schedule for this week has changed so many times within the space of less than 12 hours -.- really really crazy. haha!

anyway...i can't wait till tomorrow! haha! even though it's one heck of a crazy day again. will be out the whole entire day! haha! need to go pay respects to my granddad early in the morning, then going to NP after that for the installation briefing. then after that i'm going to fairfield to teach the sec ones, then i'm going to iluma! to slack, and wait for isaiah chia!! :D haha! treating him to dinner!! :D yay! so excited to see him! haha! i'm still deciding between manhattan fish market or fish & co. hahaha! cause i don't really like fish & co. LOL...

then friday! omg...they wanna come to my house at 10am. HELLO!!! i wanna sleep!! :( haha! kidding(: totally excited about the movie marathon, but i'm still thinking about how we're gonna watch anything in the first place on the projector, since the blinds for my balcony windows are spoilt -.- lol...but still...TOTALLY HYPED UP ABOUT IT :D

then saturday is church day! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! HAHA! SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SUPER EXCITED!!!!! haha! the series, confessions of a pastor, is good! last week's sermon really helped me loads! totally can't wait for this week's! :D

and i wanna go shopping on sunday! but no one seems to be able to go with me!!! SUCKS BIG TIME! :( i wanna buy my school bag and shoes! :D but i haven't gotten my pay and i don't know why!!!! :X sighs...everyone has gotten theirs except for me! and i need the money asap! :( RAWR!!!!

sighs...i've been thinking so much about you lately. i can't stop missing you! :( is there really no chance of forgiveness? are you really unwilling to give me that second chance? your friendship means the world to me! :( and i still hate myself for messing things up big time! i don't even know if i'll ever be able to forgive myself, unless you forgive me :X

i want to have supper! but ken is moody now! :( so no supper for today! don't think too much okay BFF?! i'll always be here to support you!(: jiayou!

okay! i'm gonna watch my show, or maybe play age of empires! haha! i've neglected my sims 3 and NFSU2 to rot and die. LOL...bye lovelies! :D

fullmoon.

2010-03-31T00:48:00.004+08:00

was really happy as i was going back home just now. looked up into the sky and saw a full moon tonight. was so happy! i love looking at the moon :D haha! i remember that night when i was out with my BFs, and it was such a nice night with all the stars(: i miss that day :( and i miss you!

was reading up jealousy on my bible. sighs...i've been letting jealousy eat me up so much! but today...i took control of my jealousy(: was glad that i'm still in control of it. i don't want to be jealous :( sucks having that feeling!

不管你做什么我都会支持你。就算犯错了又怎么样？谁不会犯错啊？知错肯改才是最重要的。

i promise myself that i'll work hard. if i'm not back there by next week, i means that i'm still not ready. but i'll keep pressing on no matter what.

still a little annoyed that i haven't gotten my pay, and that i can't learn jap this semester :( sighs...first NPSU FOC, now jap :( i'm afraid they might have killed ice-skating as a cca too. oh God! i really pray that there's still such a cca! cause that's the only thing that i look forward to now! :X

okay. i shall go now. i binge ate just now cause i was unhappy! me thinks them koko krunch are already expired. haha! ah wells. so used to eating expired food now. haha! i won't tell you why!(: nights!

love.

2010-03-30T01:31:00.003+08:00

9 Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection,* and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.* 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you. Don't curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don't be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all!
17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,

"I will take revenge;
I will pay them back,"*
says the LORD.

20 Instead,

"If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals of shame on their heads."*

21 Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

-Romans 12:9-21(NLT)

i came across this verse, while i was looking through my bible (man i totally love my study bible! i need to read it more often!!!) looking for verses about love. and wow...this is a really good verse. so many a time, it's so difficult to love others, especially after they have done something horrible to betray you, or hurt you. but the bible really teaches us that we still need to love them, no matter what. Christ died for us, cause He loves us, and we owe it to Him to love others in return. it's like a love debt. haha! as funny as it sounds. i don't want to take revenge, because revenge is stupid. but instead, i want to continue to love you. but i don't want to pretend to love you either. i want my love for you to be so genuine that you would want to know why i can still love you this way, even after everything you've said and done.

this verse and another verse:

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

-1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)

shows all the aspects of love that we need to show others. love accepts people for who they are, regardless of any flaws they have. i want to have this love for my family, friends, church, etc...

food for thought for today(: haha! this is my first QT in months! i pray that tomorrow will be an even better learning experience with God! :D

now it's time for bed! goodnight people!

one love,

two joy,

three peace,

four patience,

five kindness,

six goodness,

seven faithfulness,

eight gentleness,

nine self-control.

whatwereyouthinking?

2010-03-29T01:18:00.003+08:00

hello! today was a really good day! praise the Lord! i had a really fun time today at work(: the afternoon with amanda and yanty was CRAZY! so many smoothie orders and whatnots. but it was fun, though it was a mad rush, and the whole shop was a disaster zone, we still had fun(: haha! and closing with sheevonne is epic! had such a super good time! talking about stuff x) thanks girl for always being there to hear me rant about him. even though you still think i'm crazy for holding on. hahaha! love you loads! :D

my dear, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??? because obviously you're not. one fine day, someone is gonna go over to kick your ass to make you wake up! you always take things so lightly, never considering the consequences at all. do you find joy, when people hate you? sighs...i don't know what to say about you anymore. this isn't up to me to forgive you anymore. because this mess was created by you, so you have to clear it up yourself. and stop doing stupid things.

heading down to iluma in the morning to find sheevonne! haha! i start work at 4 and end at 9. haha! even though i have weird and pathetic shifts this week. i'm still super happy! haha! cause i don't have to do closing tomorrow and on tuesday! hahahaha! x) but i realise i'm doing all night shifts :( sian! haha! wednesday is washing machine, yet rey put me down for closing shift. what a genius! sighs...this he had better have a backup plan beforehand, if not he has to pay for my cab fare home. lol...

okay! i'm like currently high at the moment(: i feel like going to the kitchen to find something to eat! cause i'm hungry. okay. not really, but i just feel like eating. hahaha! see! no one believes me that i eat a lot. BUT I HONESTLY DO!!!! sighs...

okay! gonna grab a bite, then i'm off to bed! waking up at 9am tmr! hahaha! goodnight!

today, is the day you made,

i will sing for joy,

i will rejoice in you!

wherethelovelastsforever.

2010-03-27T22:56:00.002+08:00

Where The Love Lasts Forever - Hillsong United
Your mercy found me
Upon the broken road
And lifted me beyond my failing
Into your glory
My sin and shamed dissolved
And now forever yours I'll stand

In love never to end
To call your more than Lord
Glorious Friend

So I throw my life
Upon all that you are
'Cause I know you gave it all for me
And when all else fades
My soul will dance with you
Where the love lasts forever

And forever I will sing
Lord Forever I will sing
How you gave your life away
Just to save me
Lord you saved me

With you
Where the love lasts forever
I will be with you
Where the love lasts forever
I will sing to you
Where the love lasts forever
I will dance with you
Where the love lasts forever

sang this song during P&w during service. so meaningful. i love this song a lot. i really thank God for looking past all my failures, still loving me so unconditionally even though i have failed Him many times. i really want to let the people around me experience His love. so strong and enduring. He really never fails.

today's sermon really got me thinking. again. somehow i feel that the closer you get to God, the more temptations we will experience. we can never truly be free from temptations, unless, like what PD said, if we're dead. the devil will always be trying to tempt us, to draw us away from God. so the more tempted we are, the better. isn't that right? cause it'll mean that our relationship with God is very good. for me...i'm not facing any big temptations right now, because my relationship with God isn't that fantastic. i know it's not fantastic, and i'm really trying to work on it. the other part that set me thinking is that God changes us little by little. our bad habits have taken years to develop. we can't just be rid of them the moment we accept Christ. but it's through Christ that we know that they are bad habits, and they are wrong. and then God can change us slowly. i honestly think that God uses people to reveal the bad habits that we have. like you! surprisingly yes, you! it's through our friendship that i got to see the flaws that i have. the experience we had brought that selfish, jealous and hot-tempered monster out of me. i know i was like that last time, but i never wanted to admit it. but after everything that went down, i really truly admit that i'm selfish, jealous and hot-tempered. God placed you into my life for a reason, so that i can learn a lesson. and through this lesson, i can learn to be a better me. i really thank God for you. i want to be a better me. i want to be more Christ-like. i want to stop messing up my friendships and relationships because of my bad habits.

sighs...i was a little annoyed today :( i don't know why. i wanted to have a good time. spending the day with the people i love. but sighs...i was just annoyed. and a little sad. i tried not to think so much. i tried not to over-analyse things. sighs...so moody right now :( just lying on my pillow with my laptop, and hugging my bear. feel like crying :( i miss you! sighs...

i shall go play NFSU2 or something to cheer up. sighs...bye!

herewego.

2010-03-27T00:19:00.002+08:00

hello! blogging again cause i'm really bored! i honestly have nothing to do. don't even feel like playing NFSU2 or sims 3. sighs...was at iluma again just now! was spamming NFSU2 like crazy! met sarah, abijoy and huldah after work! haha! went to berrylite @ iluma for FROYO! :D haha! the four of us shared an original flavour take home pack! haha! tasted so good!!! :D lol...then i bought another take home pack for BFFs! which i'm gonna pass it to them in church tmr(: haha!

ANYWAYS...i'm damn high now...again. but i should go to bed soon! cause there's life group at 1pm at church office tomorrow! wheeeeee!! excited! i'm bringing my guitar tomorrow! which means we can have a "karaoke" session again! haha! since abi also wants me to bring it :D excited for tomorrow! i wanna go for lunch with sis anne!!! lol...been asking her about it for the longest time already! :( lol...

missing my beloved peeps alot! sighs...especially you!!!

okay! i'm gonna play some retarded game first, then i'm going to bed! goodnight world! :D

hotmail.

2010-03-26T00:21:00.002+08:00

hahaha! had a super hilarious time with darius and damien just now!!! hahaha! so super funny! the hotmail thing, plus all the retarded photos we took using my webcam, and how we got conned by the SNAP! software -.- hahahahahhaha! damn funny! laugh until i wanted to die. lol...

anyway! tomorrow!!! haha! can'r wait :D hahaha! excited to the max x) lol...miss them loads! hope tomorrow's work will zoom past really quickly, and 4pm will come quickly! so i can rush down to meet them :D sarah's skipping her lecture just to spend more time with us! :D

lol...talking to gege on the phone now. ehhh...go out soon leh!!! postpone how many weeks liao!! :( angry with you!!!! haha!

okay i'm gonna play my NFSU2 again! BYE PEOPLE! :D

onceagain.

2010-03-25T20:37:00.003+08:00

hello! i'm at iluma. AGAIN. haha! waiting for darius to come over from esplanade -.- haha! then we're gonna have froyo! :D haha! kr's working today! haha! haven't seen him for a long time. lol...but you're not here today!! :(

anyway...can't wait to see abi, sarah and huldah tomorrow after work!! :D yay! haha! so so so super HAPPY :DDDD really can't wait man!! x)

saw matthew and willmer just now also! syafiqah and kid are working at cheeky now. lol...omg...i'm VERY BORED!!! rey's here too! lol...

sighs...can't wait till school starts. haha! my mummy just walked past!!! x) okay. sorry...high already.

was playing NFSU2 for the past 2 hours. i am THAT BORED :( there's no entertainment around, and i'm the only person sitting at berrylite -.- sighs...

DARIUS!!! FASTER COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay. i'm going nuts. i better go now! :D

thefinallaughter.

2010-03-25T12:50:00.002+08:00

hahaha! looked who got the last laugh yesterday? hahahahaha! no point trying to ridicule me when you should know you can't win me. i won't let you get to me. this i promise you. you can't honestly think i'm that dumb to let you win again do you? ever heard of once bitten, twice shy? but obviously you've never heard of it. because by your words and actions, it just proves to me you lack the vocabulary, thus you use such crude words to express yourself.

i'm uttterly disappointed and disgusted at you.

shameless.

2010-03-24T23:33:00.002+08:00

i'm home! :D haha! had a happy time at iluma with the lovely berrylitees! :D haha! love them loads. if only work was this fun everyday. haha! walking in and out of the shop to talk to them. hahahaha! oh! and was so super glad to see willmer today :D hahaha! treating him to yogurt this friday! haha!

anyway...can't wait for friday! meeting abi and huldah after work at iluma! excited! haha! i miss going out with them! :( always having no time, cause of school, work, etc...hopefully sarah can be there too! miss hanging out with her loads :(

exciting day today! too exciting it become retarded. sighs...i'm so tired and sleepy now! :( gonna play NFSU2 for a short while before going to bed! goodnight!! :D

I ♥ ?

2010-03-24T18:22:00.003+08:00

you're so low, it's despicable. but i still choose to close one eyes to things. it's not worth being angry over something that's not even worth my time. say what you want, and ridicule me all you want. it won't change anything. but please remember this. in the end, you don't answer to me. you answer to God. about your thoughts, actions and words.

low-lifers. sighs...please grow up. you're older then me yet you're more immature then me. yes i admit i've a mindset of a 3-year old kid. but that's being childlike, while you're being childish. you see the difference? i hope you do. so grow up why don't you...

mindset.

2010-03-24T00:44:00.002+08:00

i really want to maintain my positive attitude in all situations. but i don't want to come across as fake. i'll plaster a genuine smile when i'm really happy. but if you don't see me smile. you know i'm not okay. people know me as the kind that my expression says all. and because of that, people stay away from me whenever they see me grumpy. i sometimes think that that's a bad thing, but i don't want to be fake, especially around people who know me so well. like acts one and new life. i don't want to put on a masquerade. cause if i do that in front of people who love me the most, what more can i say about the kind of facade that i put in front of people who don't know me at all.

i'm changing. i'm really trying my best. i hope you guys have been noticing the little improvements in my moods and everything. even though i still admit i'm upset like a lot of times, but when i hang out with the people i love, somehow every negative emotions just fly the window. but if i'm not feeling well, then that's a whole different story. i'll just keep to myself. i don't know why, but i just do. sighs...that i'll have to improve on as well.

sorry for the ultra random post. just wanted to ramble. :X so i just decided to do it here!

anyway...ciaos(:

happy!

2010-03-23T23:30:00.003+08:00

man...i look like crap and i feel like crap currently. since i was at iluma. i keep having a floaty sensation. i keep wanting to faint, i feel so super nauseous, dizzy, with headaches and stuff. plus a really bad tummyache that keeps going on and off :( so so annoying and scary. it's been going on like this for the past few days :( it's really scaring me to the max, cause i don't know what's wrong with me :( and i don't wanna go to the doctors. i think i'm just suffering from indigestion. sighs...i wanna a hug! :(

anyway...went to iluma just now to find clarabel! haha! and i saw willmer just now! so ultra happy! haha! he said he'll be staying for a month, and if he finds a job, he'll stay forever!! hahahahaha! omg...i miss him and bobet a lot! haha! just seeing them brings a smile on my face!! :D haha! look who's stalking who now?

bumped into doreen neo at berrylite! hahaha! she is addicted to berrylite's yogurt already after saturday! hahahaha! it tastes so good it's irresistible!

going to iluma tomorrow to find sheevonne, then will probably be there the whole day waiting for gege! hopefully we can meet up! if not i'll be very sad! :( hahaha!

okays! i'm done blogging for today! hahaha! exciting week ahead! hopefully can see willmer tomorrow as well!! haha!

okay! going off now! :D bye loves!