her royal highness.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

holeinmyheart.

400th post. Wonder why i keep posting these past few days. To make up for the previous lack of updates? Or maybe because I have too much pent up emotions that I need to let go of. Either way, I'm here now.

This post will be less self-reflective and more about my life I guess? Supposed to be on my bed, dead to the world right now, but my eyes are hurting to much to sleep. And right now, my heart feels like it's been gouged out, played with, stepped on, and thrown away. Have can I have this feeling when there's no one around to play with my heart? But today's just a melancholic and nostalgic mood that I seem to be having.

Right now, the number one person I miss for once is not my jie, but my BFF :( Isaiah Chia! If you ever read this, when was the last time you texted/had a conversation with me? Hate the fact that he's so busy with university. But I can sympathize, I'm only my my final year in polytechnic and already I'm swamped. But the fact remains that I still miss him, it's been ages since we've met, and we've still yet to meet up to celebrate my birthday! Haha!

The second person I miss right now is the rock of the first 10 years of my life. I miss you jie! But we've drifted, and I feel like i'm talking to a complete stranger nowadays whenever you call. I miss receiving your letters and learning about the things you do over at Hong Kong. About your new employers, or your next attempt to go to Canada. I miss you and nothing's gonna change that fact. I wonder when will be the next time I get to see you. This year? Next year? 5 years down, or maybe 10? It's been 7 years since I last saw you, before my surgery, before my life crumbled all around me till I no longer recognize it. Miss you and love you, but I wish any 3rd party outsiders would stop being jealous of our relationship, and get over themselves.

Dajie said I need new perspective. That the lack of response is a breath of fresh air. But I actually feel like I'm suffocating over here. I'm actually worried about the lack of action, and the lack of any missives. But here I am going crazy when there's nothing to worry about, it's none of my business and I shouldn't try to interfere with anything. No, not try, I shouldn't interfere with anything. Like what she said, forbidden fruit. The fruit at the heart of all things. One bite and everything else crumbles. I don't want to be the cause of anyone's destruction or unhappiness. Sighs...

Time to go though, goodnight all!

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:32 AM

Monday, May 21, 2012

away.

It comes to a point when you don't even feel safe in your own world, in your own sanctuary. So detatched from everything even yourself, your own skin, your own body. It's like your soul is in this world, but not in your own body. That's how I feel everyday for the past while, and it scares me. I wish this sensation will stop. I wish this didn't happen. I wish I would stop over analysing things. It's not healthy.

I need to stop plotting my own death really. Who does that? I think I'm the only freak.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 5:28 PM

Sunday, May 20, 2012

keepholdingon.

I keep telling myself to wait, that eventually someone will come. Will be there for me irrevocably. Stand by me and not judge me for my failures, for my weakness. But there's no such person is there? The people I once loved that hurt me beyond reason. Then I stopped loving and became resentful. For what? That I let the people who hurt me destroy my current life. That I let my past depict my future. Yet the need for love and the need to want to love is still there.

I used to believe that I could love without needing the love back in return. How wrong and naive of that notion. I've spent my limited love on people who don't need it, and now I've no more love to give. Compassion, empathy, that in plenty, but no more love.

What ever happened in primary 4 was the turning point. The hate, the fear. The disgust of what had to happen to me. I hate the girl for introducing hate into my life, hostility and every kind of negative emotion. I had my best friend beside me for 2 years then I had no more. I ask myself if I took her for granted, that I didn't give enough. But I never could get any answers. I never knew what I did wrong, and it's all hazy now. One day everything is fine, and the next everything is falling apart faster than you can put it back together. That my best friend could turn away from me to someone else, to allow that person she turned to to hate on me, spread lies about me. I tell myself I deserved it, but now I think back and wonder, what did I deserve? The hurt? The torment? Why? I did nothing to hurt anyone.

The man who introduced the meaning of violation. Everyday I come home wanting to scrub my skin raw just to remove every dirty feeling. Berating myself over and over for falling into the trap, for not protecting myself. What could a ten-year old do to protect herself from a predator? That I had not alerted the people in the vicinity of what had happened. That I ran twelve flights of stairs to get home, and let the man get away scot-free. Why was I so weak? Why am I so messed up?

The same betrayal from the best friend that I trust my life with. I don't condemn you, but neither can I forgive you. What rights did you have? Be glad I did not call you out in person. Question you. Make you feel guilty. Already seventeen yet still unable to protect myself from the world.

Sorry if I'm weak and can't come to terms with certain things. That I avoid. If you were in my shoes, I wonder what you would have done. But you've never experienced the emotional trauma. So don't pretend to know. YOU KNOW NOTHING. Which is why I stop bothering to come back. I can tell I'm not welcomed. So be it. I don't want to be welcomed either to a family of hypocrites, to people whom I don't know of anymore.

But what else can I say but live life and move forward? Not everyone is going to understand. Not everyone is going to love you. Not everyone is going to like you. But the best you can do is to make sure that you don't do anything that you're not comfortable with. That you wait and be patient that someone will eventually appear and understand.

Till then, I'll keep holding on and waiting things out.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 1:14 AM

Friday, May 18, 2012

neverendingcycle.

Here we go again. On this merry-go-round. How did this happen again? How did this even start. The emotions attached to this situation is uncalled for. Just one week and I'm putty in his hands. I need to stop getting so emotionally attached so quickly. It's going to be 2 days of non-contact, yet it'll feel like an eternity. I will not and must not let myself walk down this path and be his or anyone else's destruction.

I'm sorry if I made you feel that you are obligated to wish to. To wish my existence. To even celebrate for it. It's funny how I'm out of sight and out of mind. Please don't even try to justify your lack of action by my absence. It's up to you to remember. I'm not forcing you. But it's my right to be angry at you for forgetting, so stop being so self-righteous. You're only hurting yourself at the end of the day. "You were away from us for quite some time. Appreciate their efforts to wish you." This is the crappiest line anyone has ever come up with to prove themselves right and me wrong. Well done! So what have you achieved by saying that? Your happiness? My anger? Don't judge me just because I'm not around. You know nothing of me. Please stop acting like you know. What you've been through, what I've been through, they are two separate issues.

Every year, people around me just keep proving to me that I'm not needed here. I'm not wanted here. What's the point of having a birthday? What the meaning of a birthday? It's the celebration of the birth of someone is that not right? If you celebrate a person's birthday, you're truly glad for the existence of a person. I may not have impacted as many people as I would like to have. I may not have that many friends or family around me. But I'm resentful. Resentful to the people who spent 5 years going through hell with me and back. Who claim that I'm a part of that family. Who say that we're friends and I can always lean on them. Well, I can see that now. The different treatment. If this is the kind of family I have, I would rather not have. I live a lonely existence. It took that much to open my heart just a little fraction to you, it took that little for you to show me that I've misplaced my trust in you. I hope you're proud of what you've done.

Slip in and slip out. That's what I'll do from now on. I'll be a ghost again. Under my invisibility cloak once more. Just like how it used to be. Out of sight out of mind. I don't need a group of people to pretend to like me. To pretend to love me. I don't need your chivalry or your charity. Please save it for someone else who cares.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 6:53 PM

Friday, April 06, 2012

i'm damaged goods.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 2:06 AM

ontheedge.

know your limits when pushing someone, you never know when you might just tip that person right off the edge.

everyday now, it's like i'm constantly thinking of death, thinking of how to kill myself, suicide without going to hell. i've never felt anymore lonelier in life than this. and things around me just keep getting worse. i'm not wanted here anymore. i should just leave. take off somewhere where no one can find me. get a new identity, cross the country, fly somewhere far away, and just keep running. i know you think i'm crazy. heck i think i'm crazy. but with desperation comes crazy ideas. i'm desperate to get out of this charade, desperate to get out of this life where people don't know me and i don't even know myself.

like a stranger to my own life.

a key, a knife, the window. it'll progress soon enough.

one day, i'll just wake up in a pool of my own blood.
why couldn't the doctor just have killed me 7 years ago?

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 2:04 AM

Friday, March 02, 2012

affairsoftheheart.

sometimes i wish i could just rip my heart out, so that i would stop pining after people who don't really care/matter. hate being emotionally attached to people who will never be a part of my life. more like apart of my life.

affairs of the heart. something so far out beyond my reach, but something i so desperately want to control.

i'll keep smiling though!

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 11:54 PM

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

heartaches.

heartbreaking to see ryeouggie cry on syukira just now :( once he started, he couldn't stop. thank you sungminnie for your warm hug to him!! so much brotherly love i was literally melting in my chair.

on a sidenote, i think i'm a bit slow. sheesh, should have made the connection awhile back if i had read the news reports earlier. but i really have a feeling hankyung might be going back to sj! cause on their official web schedule a few months back, they didn't put hankyung's birthday on it! only kyuhyun and siwon, but like a month ago, when i was looking at the feb schedule, it was there! so maybe there's hope after all? suju fighting!~

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 1:39 AM

Sunday, January 29, 2012

slow.

it's been a while since i've blogged, not that i know anyone is reading anyway. but i'll just continue running this blog, for the sake of the memories.

business has been slow this month. the orders only started coming in at the end of the month. i'm not running any valentines' day special or promotion, because i'm really busy this time of the month with exams and attachment going on soon, within the next 3 weeks. so tired, but i have to keep fighting. body clock is messed up, and i'm just going through each day, day by day. i'm literally running on fumes. i never get enough sleep, no matter how early or how long i sleep. attachment has become my sleep ground. just sleep to break and lunch and not eat. sighs, i'm really that tired. times like this, life becomes a chore, school becomes a bore, and i'm just so exhausted i can crash any moment.

yes yes, i'm ranting again. it is my blog though...

right now i'm studying for microbiology. for attachment. who has actually heard of attachment exams. i mean seriously...it's madness. thank God 80% of is is open book. only microbiology is not open book, so i'm focussing most of everything on that. i really don't want to fail this semester. already did so badly for common test to the point that i actually failed 2 modules. and one of them is supposed to be my "best" i'm such a genius really, when you do well for your worse module and do badly for your better module. it's like O levels all over again!

and to add to the stress, people around me are getting really insensitive. sighs, can't do anything about that really. if everyone is really bent on treating me as the black sheep, there is really nothing i can do about it. if you can't stand by me when things are this bad, i don't expect you to stand by me when everything is smooth sailing. sadly, you just can't seem to understand that i'm not like everyone. i don't learn easily, and it's hard for me to do things sometimes. my attention span is getting shorter and shorter, and my health is getting worse. if you think all of this is a farce, and that i'm faking it, or you think i'm trying to "get attention" as usual, well, then i'm really sad that you think that i have to resort to such measure to get your attention. if i'm so hard on for your attention, i wouldn't sometimes wish that i never knew you and that you were never part of my life. we were never close and we will never be. because you can't get that plank out of your eye and see the bigger picture. as a leader, i thought better of you. than all of you. but i was wrong. very wrong. if you cared, when was that last time you actually picked up the phone to call me and ask me how i was doing, without me actually initiating anything? i'll tell you when. NEVER. please don't tell the world that you "tried" but i never listened or accepted your advice. you never tried as hard as you're supposed to really. i'm just waiting for the day when you say i'm no longer welcome in your family. it's just so easy to turn my back on you as it was easy for you.

and i really don't see how you're helping anything. you're just repeating all my problems back to me without any solution. rubbing it into my face about what a bad person i am. don't forget. so are you. i know about all the stupid stuff you do, and it's not even comparable to mine. so don't act like you're all saint like. you disgust me. as a friend i thought you would be more caring and understanding. but obviously not. be glad i ever talk to you again, because it'll be a long while before i will ever pick up any of your calls.

times like this when your world around you is crumbling everywhere, and the people outside of your world are just pointing and laughing, waiting for your ultimate downfall.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 1:27 AM

Monday, November 28, 2011

p5shingmea*y

i don't know if i should blame myself. ever since i got together with you, i pushed everyone away. to send more time with you, to not let you be jealous. literally everyone in existence, i practically shoved them right out of my life. my best friend, my brothers, my classmates and society mates. now there's this overwhelming regret left, especially now that you're gone. i actually feeling like an absolute idiot, for not balancing my relationships properly. i miss my best friend. i know it's stupid since i was the one who kept being busy and everything. we used to message each other everyday. all those years spent trying to build that relationship with him. now i barely talk to him. sacrificing a 5 year friendship for a 9 month relationship. was it worth it? at that point in time, it seemed reasonable. but now it feels downright stupid and ridiculous.

so where's this post going? i don't know really. i'm not blaming you or anyone else. just mostly me. maybe if i put in more effort? maybe if i tried harder.

maybe if i tried harder in everything that i did in my life. maybe there might have been results. instead of giving up like i always do. be it in life, spiritually, school, cheerleading, relationships, friendships? constantly in the state of doing things wrong and giving up.

i'm all out of fight.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:50 AM

Thursday, November 17, 2011

overexhaustion.

my future job should be a private investigator. i'm really good at finding out things about people. and the worst thing is that it's all online info about them, written by them. oh and facebook. such a marvelous tool. -.- seriously, the internet scares me at times. and this is one of the time.

TTSH attachment today. so amazing! to actually have an exam where answers are dished out to you by the examiner. hahahaha! the best joke ever. i'll be sad to leave CP. central processing has been one heck of a joy ride for the past 4 days at attachment. even though we didn't get much time to rest, i honestly think that i learnt more doing sample processing here than i ever did at NUH. seriously, i don't feel like i'm having attachment at NUH. i feel like i'm just wasting my life away there, reading SOPs and just generally WILLING time away. had fun doing pneumatic tube sorting and bench sorting. sadly, we didn't really get to do urine FEME sorting. the little kid in me was bursting to stick labels the entire 4 days, but i only got to stick like a few :( but i still got my fun sending out the samples using the slide. it's really more fun than NUH. attachment at NUH is really just one big bowl of suck.

BTS next. but somehow i have a feeling the BTS at TTSH is non-comparable to BTS at NUH. i have a feeling BTS at NUH was more fun. more hands-on stuff, less dreary work. which i love of course! more practicals and learning experiences!(: dreading BTS for tomorrow, but sighs, come what may i guess.

enough ranting. wanted to rant more about personal stuff, but typing out what i did in my day makes me feel even better than i was just now. oh well.

apparently, the berrylite at velocity is desperately in need to hiring staff. but sadly, time constraints and my already overflowing agenda will not allow me to have a part time job anytime soon. i do have my shop though, even though business is slow. D: how does carrie even cope will all this? and she has 73 orders! gosh. i wish i could be an over achiever at times too. i hate settling with mediocrity. but i guess with the current situation and circumstance that i'm in, i can only settle.

alright! negative emotions flooding back! i shall stop here! resume writing workshop with nabilah and a CBE class. not looking forward to it but like i said, i'll just settle. so, bye for now(:

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:49 AM

Monday, November 14, 2011

areyouhappywiththestateim'in?

an errant thought today. to defer for one year, and to come back again fighting. i'm so tired it's ridiculous. so exhausted out of my mind that i can barely stay focus on one thing for long. still trying to keep up with my lectures, and trying even harder to catch up with my jap lessons. it's only the the 4th or 5th lesson? and already i'm falling behind in homework and quizzes.

someone save me before i officially become depressed and suicidal.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 11:52 PM

teardownthewall.

to be able to love someone should be the happiest thing you should ever be able to feel.

i was actually high on love today. for the first time. not on sugar, caffeine or adrenaline. okay, maybe a bit of all three, but it was definitely the love that i had for my family that made me high today.

to be able to love you since i was little till now, it's even harder to achieve. i don't know the kind of love that i have for you, but i know my love is forbidden. to never be able to say those three words to you kind of kills me inside a little, but seeing you happy is what matters. is it not?

to find love that is reciprocated in it's truest form. the easiest to find, yet the hardest as well. accepting it is easy, rejecting it is even easier. love in the flesh, but yet not truly exist in that form. to be able to love You is my privilege. for You to love me, it's my greatest gift of all.

i need to find back that love. i hope You'll still want me, even though i know You will accept me even in my most broken form.

i'm sorry for all the lies and broken promises. i'm sorry i gave up. but it was the easiest way out. send someone to lead me back. cause i'm lost with no hope of bringing myself back.

for now, i'm climbing into bed and crying myself to sleep again. it's become a ritual. a bedtime story, a hug and a cry. to feel the sense of loneliness that overrides all. to feel so loveless, and so hopeless.

that feeling of happiness during that one dream that will never come true. to be able to feel it again would be a miracle that only you can provide.

stop dreaming girl.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 1:32 AM

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

burden.

i always think that it's me. that i'm the problem. how can i not when the situation is the same no matter where i go. then i think that i'm not trying hard enough, or that i try too hard. it gets confusing soon after, then i stop trying at all. soon i start thinking what i did wrong, and why things always happen. i get trapped in a vicious cycle, and i've no way out.

you find that when you face this kind of things, you're left alone to sort things out. people don't like to get stuck with people who aren't sure of themselves. it's not a matter of relationships status anymore, you're out there to fend for yourselves. it all becomes a cruel game that we are all stuck playing. i know i'm not the only one playing this game. but the weird thing is, people who are constantly putting me down because of this are facing the same thing as me. maybe it's the lack of empathy that becomes a horrible web of deceit and lies, to hide from reality, to create a facade that your life is much better and happier than mine.

you ain't fooling me. you're only fooling yourselves.

once again, i'm prattling off, make no sense, taking in riddles.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:04 AM

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

countdown.

i've officially turned into a nocturnal person. i'm up at night and dead sleep in the morning through afternoon. sighs...messed up body clock really.

anyway, 2 more days, till i'm out of here!!! after living in this house for the past 9 years, and living in the north for the past 18 years, i'm finally moving northeast! i'm excited!! cause it's gonna be a new adventure!(: new house, new furniture, new me? hahaha! but what's past is past, and i'm gonna keep that all stuffed in the old house, and breaking anew into the new house! yeahhhhhh!

so on a happy note, i shall stop here! i'm on pottermore and neopets right now. a slight disappointment when i got into hufflepuff instead of slytherin or ravenclaw or if i dare say gryffindor! but it shall not be. sighs...if i answered the sorting questions with my first instinct instead of thinking things over. like the last 2 questions, choosing stars over moon, when i'm clearly happier when i see the full moon out at night. but it was a tough call. i love both the moon and stars equally. or choosing left over right. but i chose right, in the end, even though the gut instincts were screaming left over and over. hahaha! i wonder what house i would be in if i chose left. LOL...but alas, we shall never know. oh well, for that i leave you! BYE!(:

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 4:34 AM