everyday I tell myself, work harder, work faster, do more, study more, earn more, learn more, practice more, don't procrastinate, push yourself till there's nothing left. but when I do, at the end of the day I always question myself. what for? why am I working so hard? what's exactly the goal and dream that I'm working towards?

I feel proud of myself when I see the fruits of my labours, but yet I feel sad that I did so much and it's still not enough. or that I didn't do as much as I could have.

all these conflicting emotions and feelings. that I'm not a good enough daughter, not a good enough sister, not a good enough friend.

people always ask me why I'm trying so hard. trying too hard to earn money, to be independent, to fit in, to stand out for good reasons. yet at the end of the day all I receive is backlash from people. that I try too much, that I'm such an attention seeker, that I'm a rich spoilt manner-less brat. what for work so hard when that's all the "compliments" I ever receive from anyone? when was the last time someone told me I did well for something I worked so hard on? that I literally put sweat, blood and tears into?

I don't want to be acknowledge for my success. I just want people to show me their appreciation for what I've done for them. to let me know that I did well, and that I'm being appreciated for what I'm doing, and to motivate me to work harder, to do even better, to give more and to share more.

is that so hard really?