her royal highness.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

melancholy.

I'm in my melancholy mood again, don't mind me, I shall rant for tonight. 3 weeks before common test is set to begin and here I am going crazy, lost in my own fantasy. Some times I really live up the the name of my blog, fantasy made reality, cause that's all that I'm thinking off, trying to turn my fantasies into reality.

STOP DREAMING GIRL, they say.

But you just can't help but dream, to escape this harsh reality of life.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:56 AM

Monday, May 28, 2012

trauma.

Everytime I log on to blogger and see increased statistics in views, it kind freaks me out that people are actually reading my blog posts...especially since I've started blogging about things that are way beyond personal. Whoever you are that is reading, come say hi. Haha! And don't freak me out with your stalking.

Times like these are when I want to shut down all my social networking accounts, especially since I'm not an especially social person. Honestly, I get more texts from my buyers than I actually do from my friends. Shows how "popular" I am. Ha! Maybe I'm a little more social towards people who don't judge me and know me for who I am instead of who they think I am.

I should go into a total lockdown one day, I honestly doubt people will actually be concerned if I become uncontactable. Okay, maybe that one or two people, but my guess is that will be all.

I'm up at this time cause I just finished watching a movie with Tat Ming over skype, and I'm too hungry to sleep. Sighs, I miss having skype video calls or long chats over the phone. Rarely have any of those nowadays. Even wake up to people's good morning SMSes are a rarity. I miss those secondary school days with BFF :( But now it feels like we're from two different worlds. Look at me, it's 3 in the morning and I'm being overly sentimental. I need to stop being so melodramatic, especially at such wee hours in the morning.

Alright, will go to bed once I finish gobbling down my apple, night world!

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 3:17 AM

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

holeinmyheart.

400th post. Wonder why i keep posting these past few days. To make up for the previous lack of updates? Or maybe because I have too much pent up emotions that I need to let go of. Either way, I'm here now.

This post will be less self-reflective and more about my life I guess? Supposed to be on my bed, dead to the world right now, but my eyes are hurting to much to sleep. And right now, my heart feels like it's been gouged out, played with, stepped on, and thrown away. Have can I have this feeling when there's no one around to play with my heart? But today's just a melancholic and nostalgic mood that I seem to be having.

Right now, the number one person I miss for once is not my jie, but my BFF :( Isaiah Chia! If you ever read this, when was the last time you texted/had a conversation with me? Hate the fact that he's so busy with university. But I can sympathize, I'm only in my final year in polytechnic and already I'm swamped. But the fact remains that I still miss him, it's been ages since we've met, and we've still yet to meet up to celebrate my birthday! Haha!

The second person I miss right now is the rock of the first 10 years of my life. I miss you jie! But we've drifted, and I feel like i'm talking to a complete stranger nowadays whenever you call. I miss receiving your letters and learning about the things you do over at Hong Kong. About your new employers, or your next attempt to go to Canada. I miss you and nothing's gonna change that fact. I wonder when will be the next time I get to see you. This year? Next year? 5 years down, or maybe 10? It's been 7 years since I last saw you, before my surgery, before my life crumbled all around me till I no longer recognize it. Miss you and love you, but I wish any 3rd party outsiders would stop being jealous of our relationship, and get over themselves.

Dajie said I need new perspective. That the lack of response is a breath of fresh air. But I actually feel like I'm suffocating over here. I'm actually worried about the lack of action, and the lack of any missives. But here I am going crazy when there's nothing to worry about, it's none of my business and I shouldn't try to interfere with anything. No, not try, I shouldn't interfere with anything. Like what she said, forbidden fruit. The fruit at the heart of all things. One bite and everything else crumbles. I don't want to be the cause of anyone's destruction or unhappiness. Sighs...

Time to go though, goodnight all!

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:32 AM

Monday, May 21, 2012

away.

It comes to a point when you don't even feel safe in your own world, in your own sanctuary. So detatched from everything even yourself, your own skin, your own body. It's like your soul is in this world, but not in your own body. That's how I feel everyday for the past while, and it scares me. I wish this sensation will stop. I wish this didn't happen. I wish I would stop over analysing things. It's not healthy.

I need to stop plotting my own death really. Who does that? I think I'm the only freak.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 5:28 PM

Sunday, May 20, 2012

keepholdingon.

I keep telling myself to wait, that eventually someone will come. Will be there for me irrevocably. Stand by me and not judge me for my failures, for my weakness. But there's no such person is there? The people I once loved that hurt me beyond reason. Then I stopped loving and became resentful. For what? That I let the people who hurt me destroy my current life. That I let my past depict my future. Yet the need for love and the need to want to love is still there.

I used to believe that I could love without needing the love back in return. How wrong and naive of that notion. I've spent my limited love on people who don't need it, and now I've no more love to give. Compassion, empathy, that in plenty, but no more love.

What ever happened in primary 4 was the turning point. The hate, the fear. The disgust of what had to happen to me. I hate the girl for introducing hate into my life, hostility and every kind of negative emotion. I had my best friend beside me for 2 years then I had no more. I ask myself if I took her for granted, that I didn't give enough. But I never could get any answers. I never knew what I did wrong, and it's all hazy now. One day everything is fine, and the next everything is falling apart faster than you can put it back together. That my best friend could turn away from me to someone else, to allow that person she turned to to hate on me, spread lies about me. I tell myself I deserved it, but now I think back and wonder, what did I deserve? The hurt? The torment? Why? I did nothing to hurt anyone.

The man who introduced the meaning of violation. Everyday I come home wanting to scrub my skin raw just to remove every dirty feeling. Berating myself over and over for falling into the trap, for not protecting myself. What could a ten-year old do to protect herself from a predator? That I had not alerted the people in the vicinity of what had happened. That I ran twelve flights of stairs to get home, and let the man get away scot-free. Why was I so weak? Why am I so messed up?

The same betrayal from the best friend that I trust my life with. I don't condemn you, but neither can I forgive you. What rights did you have? Be glad I did not call you out in person. Question you. Make you feel guilty. Already seventeen yet still unable to protect myself from the world.

Sorry if I'm weak and can't come to terms with certain things. That I avoid. If you were in my shoes, I wonder what you would have done. But you've never experienced the emotional trauma. So don't pretend to know. YOU KNOW NOTHING. Which is why I stop bothering to come back. I can tell I'm not welcomed. So be it. I don't want to be welcomed either to a family of hypocrites, to people whom I don't know of anymore.

But what else can I say but live life and move forward? Not everyone is going to understand. Not everyone is going to love you. Not everyone is going to like you. But the best you can do is to make sure that you don't do anything that you're not comfortable with. That you wait and be patient that someone will eventually appear and understand.

Till then, I'll keep holding on and waiting things out.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 1:14 AM

Friday, May 18, 2012

neverendingcycle.

Here we go again. On this merry-go-round. How did this happen again? How did this even start. The emotions attached to this situation is uncalled for. Just one week and I'm putty in his hands. I need to stop getting so emotionally attached so quickly. It's going to be 2 days of non-contact, yet it'll feel like an eternity. I will not and must not let myself walk down this path and be his or anyone else's destruction.

I'm sorry if I made you feel that you are obligated to wish me. To wish my existence. To even celebrate for it. It's funny how I'm out of sight and out of mind. Please don't even try to justify your lack of action by my absence. It's up to you to remember. I'm not forcing you. But it's my right to be angry at you for forgetting, so stop being so self-righteous. You're only hurting yourself at the end of the day. "You were away from us for quite some time. Appreciate their efforts to wish you." This is the crappiest line anyone has ever come up with to prove themselves right and me wrong. Well done! So what have you achieved by saying that? Your happiness? My anger? Don't judge me just because I'm not around. You know nothing of me. Please stop acting like you know. What you've been through, what I've been through, they are two separate issues.

Every year, people around me just keep proving to me that I'm not needed here. I'm not wanted here. What's the point of having a birthday? What the meaning of a birthday? It's the celebration of the birth of someone is that not right? If you celebrate a person's birthday, you're truly glad for the existence of a person. I may not have impacted as many people as I would like to have. I may not have that many friends or family around me. But I'm resentful. Resentful to the people who spent 5 years going through hell with me and back. Who claim that I'm a part of that family. Who say that we're friends and I can always lean on them. Well, I can see that now. The different treatment. If this is the kind of family I have, I would rather not have. I live a lonely existence. It took that much to open my heart just a little fraction to you, it took that little for you to show me that I've misplaced my trust in you. I hope you're proud of what you've done.

Slip in and slip out. That's what I'll do from now on. I'll be a ghost again. Under my invisibility cloak once more. Just like how it used to be. Out of sight out of mind. I don't need a group of people to pretend to like me. To pretend to love me. I don't need your chivalry or your charity. Please save it for someone else who cares.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 6:53 PM