can you love a person you've never met?
yet the smile on his face never fails,
to put one on your lips.
it may not be unconditional,
but it's definitely unrequited.

I've fallen under a spell,
walked into a trap.
no hope left to crawl out unharmed.

playing this scholarship thing really close to the chest this time round. the lesser the pain and expectations i guess? so far only 2 other people know, and they are people I can trust my life with. unless you are an avid blog reader and follower of mine, which i doubt. or my stalker, which is more likely, then you would know.

I realise, some people are not worth the time spent on. half the time spent with them, they are on the phone, and the other half they spend talking about themselves. maybe this used to be what people experienced from me, but I realise that I'm not like that anymore, or that I've changed? maybe. but some people are just less awkward to talk to and more understanding of what I'm chatting to them about, and of my situation? but people always tell me that I'm worse off than them cause of a certain factor in life. I work hard for the things I want, and I always get what I need. I'm satisfied with what I can provide for myself, yet it's the things that I can't pay all the money in the world for that I don' have and can't provide for myself.

you don't need a car to go places,
but you need love to get you anywhere.

so I wrote a whole chunk of ramblings on the way home just now, but because i was blogging on my phone, it died, and along with it my post. ah well, somethings are better left unsaid.

right now, my only motivation is the scholarship application. I need this. I really really need this. I need to get out of this place, this mental and emotional jail. it's just been 2 days, and all the biased-ness has me wanting to scream and just break down. unfair? yes, life IS always unfair. but could things be handled in a fair manner. of course. but they just don't see it. the past 2 weeks I've been home, and the number of sentences they've said to me, compared to the number of times they initiated conversation with him over the past 2 days, says a lot about the differential treatment. maybe you'd say that I didn't try harder. that I should be the one initiating any form of communication. but thing is, I've tried, more times than I actually should have, and I'm tired of trying when the response is always the same. the differential treatment is so blatant I don't even understand how you can tell me straight in my face that you treat the both of us the same and that you love us both equally.

i'm tired of having monologues with you. did I try too hard or did I not try hard enough? I always say to myself, things will get better. a year down the road, another year. but no, it always becomes a tomorrow will better, but tomorrow never comes.

everyone keeps telling me, God will never put you through anything you can't handle. I don't see how crying every night and comtemplating suicide almost every waking hour is called handling things well. people always see the happy-go-lucky, loud, talkative, act cute little girl, who goes around thinking that she's really good and seeking so much attention. if that's who you think I am, then sorry to say you know nothing about me. about the hardships I've been through, about the abandonment by my own family that I've faced. I wasn't taught self-independence. self-independence was shoved on to me. it was either learn to do things on your own and pay your way through or get left behind and shelved in a dusty old corner that no one would ever go to. either you do things and you do it well or you die trying. I wasn't taught to save money by anyone. it was something I know I'm supposed to do. yet for the same person who grew up with me, knows nothing about saving. how ironic. everyone thought that I was taught this my this certain person who was in my life for just a mere 10 years, yet they don't see that I was more impressionable as I grew older, and not as a kid. if you want to blame anyone for my upbringing, blame your own son for being such a bad role model. you know nothing about the things that go on. you just assume that I'm like that because I was being taught like that.

I wish people would stop telling me to be someone else. you don't want me to change so that I can be a better person. no, you just want me to change to make your life easier. how about I make your life easier by just walking out. isn't that much more easier?

it's disgusting to see you fall and fawn all over him. it's no wonder he turns out the way he is. a spoilt brat and nothing less.

I realise I always try to be someone I'm not in front of you, and it happens almost all the time. I don't know why I do it either. I dress different, I wear my makeup different. I even walk different. to impress you maybe? but you shouldn't be someone I'm trying to impress. not shouldn't, you just can't. but yet time and again, I do things that are me, but not really the true me.

I need to put a stop to this.

I need to get a grip on myself. it's bad enough that today was a total utter humiliation for me,bit worse that I became so melodramatic infront of my eyecandy. I need to control my actions more stringently. things like this that have happen before should not happen again! what is wrong with me really.

I realise that I'm always an extremist. either I'm too loud and talkative that people literally steer clear away from me, or too quiet and "meek" that people literally forget of my existence. or another extreme where I'm so hyper I literally forget myself and my actions, or I'm so tired I'm falling all over everything and bed-ridden out of sheer exhaustion. why can't I be anything in-between and find that balance in my life? I'm tired of constant fighting with my extremist self. it gets tiring and old really fast.

take a look at my life and you can find that nothing about me is every normal. I'm physically not normal, mentally abnormal for my age, spiritually distance it's practically non-existent anymore. it is no wonder that people generally don't want to come near me, even with a 39-foot long pole. sorry, muggle reference I plucked off from my dajie. even genetically I'm not normal. having an E3E4 mutation, it's no wonder that I don't gain any weight. one day I have a feeling that I'm really.going to have a heart attack.

I'm pretty much incapacitated over the past few days. my legs, or at least the lower ¼ of my leg has been so extremely sore, I've no idea what I've been doing. I need to stop climbing stairs 3 steps at a time and escalators at 2 steps per stride.

I have a feeling tomorroe's meet up is going to be a riot. hope thjngs go smoothly and I'm not gonna get kicked out of the statiom or something.

look at me, I'm jumping topics all over the place. I guess I'm really too tired. time for bed, waking up early tomorrow to.meet my customers. oh dear...

I think I'll be blogging more than often from now on, now that I installed this handy dandy spiffy blogger app. funny how blogger is under google, yet google has not come up with a blogger app. in fact the chrome is not really processing up to standard as well. oh well, I shall give time more time.

I will blog random lines, words, sentences, poems that pop into my head. but for now, goodnight!