her royal highness.

Friday, March 05, 2010

devastation.

dear God, please just take me up to heaven with you now. i feel so lost. so so so very lost. i don't know who to turn to anymore. i've lost my sense of judgement because i don't even know who i can trust anymore. where must there be so much politics in this world? what happened to loving and building up fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, instead of cold-heartedly tearing them down. i'm sorry that i want to stop living. but right now, i just really want to be in Your protective arms, away from any hurt, bitterness, sadness, anger and hatred. i'm so super tired.the only reason why i still haven't quit is because i need the cash flow. i don't want to rely on my parents who are having such a hard time trying to even keep the family together because of financial difficulties. i don't even know how to be strong anymore. the word strong doesn't even exist in my dictionary anymore. and happiness is slowly disappearing as well. i find joy that there are still some friends that make me genuinely happy. close friends that i count as family, as brothers and sisters. thank You for providing them my way. though two of them are leaving tomorrow..i still thank You for letting me get to know them, to know the true meaning of happiness, something i haven't felt in ages.

and now i speak to you. if you're unhappy about me in anyway. just say it please. i plead with you. only with honest opinions can one change. i'll gladly hear what's on your mind and change whatever shortcomings i might have. but i must say this. every human, except Christ, is flawed. no one is perfect. it's our mission in life to strive to be perfect. but to perfect is to be like Christ. therefore, our mission is to be Christ-like. thus, i say to you. i'll try to change. but i'll still be flawed in other areas. no one ever said that you were perfect either. but yet i still see perfection within your flaws. i try to look at you through God's eyes, and love you with God's heart, because i have no rights to judge. only He can pass judgement.

and do i still want to kill you? no. i'm just saying it because the person i want to really hurt is myself. for even trying to attempt to barge into your life. now i have taken a step back and seen what i really need to see. i don't feel the longing anymore. i don't miss anything anymore. i've enjoyed the times spent. but now it's time to move on. to me, you're like my older brother now. someone i will still love when i see you, have a conversation with you if i bump into you, and encourage you when you are down. it may not be easy, but i'll try. because everyone in this world is worth for me to try to love.

i don't want to self-mutilate from the inside out anymore.

peace, my brothers and sisters.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:04 AM