her royal highness.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

breakdown.

just feel like crying. right here, right now. i'm being outcasted again. wherever i go. and don't try to tell me you know what it feels like. you don't. because you always have at least one friend around you, keeping you company. laughing with you and talking to you. where as i'm surrounded by a group of people who don't give a damn about me, tease and mock me. and thinks that it's ridiculous that i even bother trying to fit in.

seems like my class has only 16 people. while i'm just invisible. a servant girl. a nobody. to think that you're the class rep.

like i said before. i'm better off this world. it'll make everyone happier. that i don't exist. that i never did.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 8:29 PM

Friday, July 15, 2011

WOW.

THREE WORDS!!!

PROUD OF YOU!!!

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:30 AM

Thursday, July 14, 2011

personality.

read this somewhere about may babies.

"You are stubborn and hard-hearted, strong-willed and highly motivated. You have sharp thoughts but are easily angered. You seem to attract others and love attention. You have a tendency to have deep feelings. You're beautiful physically and mentally. You always have a firm Standpoint. You don't need motivation. You're often shy towards the opposite sex. You're easily consoled, systematic and you love to dream. You have a good imagination. You love literature and the arts. You also love traveling. You dislike being at home because you're restless. You're hardworking and high spirited."

OMG...sounds like me. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 9:10 PM

waitingitout.

2 more weeks till i can go back to training! i just wish my knee would heal faster!!! for now, i just have to wait things out!

wish you weren't so hot-headed all the time. as much as it wasn't your fault or anything...just let it go okay? don't want to see you back out at this point now.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:52 AM

Monday, July 11, 2011

annoyance.

very annoyed with people, who are in condition to train, yet they just don't want to go for it. complaints of feeling tired and what nots. you might as well just quit the team? your level of commitment isn't even there. commitment. that's what i've learnt during my one year in society. if anyone actually went through what we had to go through last year? this is nothing compared to it. the discipline level and everything is the same, albeit tougher...

i really want to go back to training! missed so much! can't believed i missed out on doing basket toss on friday!!! felt so miserable just sitting there watching them try new stunts. ugh...i wish my knee would recover faster. heading to the polyclinic again tomorrow morning to have a look at my knee again. hopefully someone can give light on the situation, instead of just telling me everything is okay when i even can't feel my knee. i really wish i didn't fall, that i had locked better, and that someone was there to catch me. :X

your furtive glances are killing me. stop scrutinizing my every action and words. get your own life.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:14 PM

Saturday, July 09, 2011

actyouragenotyourshoesize.

first day at micro lab, first day being back at NUH after my fall. realised how swollen my leg was today! and i started feeling very self-conscious and worried. gosh...this is so messed up. my leg is so obviously swollen that it looks like it belongs to an elephant. and the worst was that everyone kept coming up to me and asking if i was okay. and i even bumped into my physiotherapist while walking back from lunch. i didn't even realise she was my physiotherapist until like an hour later. i just kept wondering why she looked so familiar and whether she was one of the lecturers at NUH. then it dawned on me. felt so stupid really.

today was a day of rushing and waiting. wait for supervisor. wait for lunch, rush for lunch. wait for bus, rush for bus. wait for you then rush for you. sighs...so super tired right now. never ending cycle. whatever happened today made me realise that i really don't wanna move to sengkang at all! and i'm really not looking forward to it! :( especially after i found out how near you stay to me!

and seriously??? WHAT THE HELL? separation? that makes you feel like you don't have any association with me? how old are you? 10? but honestly, if it makes you happy. BUT GROW UP WILL YOU? ughhhh...

and just cause i happened to look in the direction of where you were standing, or glanced your way, DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE YOU. my eyes can shoot out electricity issit? please don't jump to conclusions when you don't even know the situation.

why is this world so messed up?

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:33 AM

Thursday, July 07, 2011

whatiswrongwithyou?

in all honesty, if you can't tell me what's wrong with me, then don't judge me. cause it just makes you seem all that much shallow. i'm tired of your judgement when you barely know anything about me. please just get a life, because you really need it.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 10:32 PM

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

motives.

something new for me and kor to have a nice chat about. is there a motive for everything that we ever do? is our motives the ones that give others a bad impression of us? what about those who think that there is a motive towards whatever we are doing?

if you thought that i was trying to get attention from total random strangers last night, then i hope that you know it wasn't true. if you think that i was trying to get a single ounce of sympathy from you, i hope you know that you're wrong too. i hid my tears when the pain got too hard to bear, and i never needed help from anyone.

this is why i prefer to be alone. no judgement. no hurt. no false accusations. i'd rather be a loner in this world, then to have a friend like you.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 5:51 PM

inmisery.

my most epic fall in over a decade. yet there was no one to catch me before i hurt myself. no one to comfort me when i was hurt, and no one to care for me after all that has happened. so amazing that i got offered help from totally random strangers who not only helped me to cross the road, but also hail a cab for me. but yet my own teammates couldn't bother to offer any words of comfort or help, and just looked at me and walk past me like i'm a zoo exhibit. i know everyone thinks that i deserve this. are you all happy now?

my knee hurts like a funfair only now. i have no idea how serious it is, but i do know that i'll be lagging behind everyone now with this injury.

i wonder what i did to ever make you hate me so much.
i wonder what i ever did to make you not care.
in times of need, i'm your friend.
but at times like this, not a single soul is there.
if physical pain hurts so much at this point,
what more can i say of my emotional hurt?

i feel bitter about what happened. but i know the devil is just trying to make me give up on something i love. and to try to make me hate on them, when i'm trying my best to love each and everyone on the team. to look past all the negativity, and see into their hearts. i need God's lenses, and His love. God, forgive me for i have sinned and wronged my neighbours. give me the love, wisdom, and strength that i need to overcome this. in You i place everything. Amen!

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 1:03 AM

Sunday, July 03, 2011

hitontheheadandheart.

what you said that day really hit me so hard. i felt so hurt for you. yet i didn't know how to help you, and gain your confidence to lean on Him again. but i have to remember that God has a plan, and it's up to Him to draw you back. it's times like this when i realise that i've been praying for the wrong things. i keep praying for your salvation and for my own strength and courage. but i realise that i have to pray for wisdom and love. something so essential in life. wisdom to handle this kind of situations, and wisdom to be able to help others. to be able to love unconditionally, beyond the normal range of human love.

then i need to pray for forgiveness. forgiveness from God, that He may wash away all of my sins and forgive me and allow me to become clean. and forgiveness for others, that i will forgive them for anything that is done wrong to me, just like how God has forgiven me of my sins.

i don't want to walk a life where i bury all the hatred, anger, bitterness, sorrow, and unforgiveness in my heart. because i won't be able to freely love. i need to be strong, act wisely and continue to learn from God.

dear I ,i miss our friendship. it's been 3 weeks and 2 days since you went into army, and we haven't had contact for more than a month. i'm sorry for all the hurt that i've caused you. but somehow, the words "what good will an apology do now" keeps ringing in my ears. words not just from you, but from someone else as well. true, my apologises can be deemed useless now. but unless you can forgive me of everything i've done wrong to you, and put the past behind you, just as how i've done, you'll never come to terms with the fact that things between us can change, and that we won't be friends until then. until you learn to let go and move on.

dear J, sorry if i hurt your heart by saying things that i shouldn't have told anyone, or by any of my actions. i know you'll say that it's no use, that we're better off not being friends. but we still are team mates. i just need your tolerance on the mats. that's all i ask of you. it's okay if you don't forgive me, that you mock me, that you think i'm childish, ignorant and silly. all i need is that 12 hours of tolerance every week.

dear A, sorry for ruining our friendship by my thoughts and actions and words. i deeply regret everything that i've said and done. i miss our friendship that we had in the beginning. no secrets, no hiding, no facade. some of the things i told you that i honestly wish i didn't. i put too much of a burden on you, and now i'm left to face with the consequences. i'm sorry for everything. for not being there to catch you when you fell. for not being a better friend to you than i should have been.

dear AJ, sorry for the past 1 year of rivalry, and collision. no matter what we do, somehow we'll always be in collision course. i'm sorry for everything that i ever did to hurt you, and i just pray that you'll forgive me and continue to love me and support me as a sister. you're always my bro, and no matter what we face, i hope that we'll emerge stronger from everything.

dear M, sorry for anything that i might have said of done to hurt you. somehow in the past 2 months, we have been drifting further apart from each other. i don't know what's going on, but i really do like to know, so that i can apologise to you, and we can move on from there and rebuild our friendship. i pray that you'll give me a chance to be a better friend.

dear S, i'm sorry for what happened at camp. it was a moment of haste, which resulted in regrets. i deeply apologise to you, and i hope that you'll come to forgive me one day. i know you're not angry anymore, but i do know that you have yet to forgive me either. i just want to say i'm sorry for everything that i've said and done to hurt you, and that you'll give me a chance to be a better friend.

and to everyone else that i have hurt, through any means, i'm sorry, and i pray that you'll come to forgive me in time. if there's anything that you're really unhappy about regarding me, i just hope that you'll tell me, so that i can change to be a better me.

and lastly, i hope that you'll stop finding love and acceptance in all the wrong places. you are being loved and accepted my the highest of kings, and the Lord of all lords. don't let the words of others ruin your eternal life! i know you're stronger than this!(:

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 4:47 PM