her royal highness.

Monday, November 28, 2011

p5shingmea*y

i don't know if i should blame myself. ever since i got together with you, i pushed everyone away. to send more time with you, to not let you be jealous. literally everyone in existence, i practically shoved them right out of my life. my best friend, my brothers, my classmates and society mates. now there's this overwhelming regret left, especially now that you're gone. i actually feeling like an absolute idiot, for not balancing my relationships properly. i miss my best friend. i know it's stupid since i was the one who kept being busy and everything. we used to message each other everyday. all those years spent trying to build that relationship with him. now i barely talk to him. sacrificing a 5 year friendship for a 9 month relationship. was it worth it? at that point in time, it seemed reasonable. but now it feels downright stupid and ridiculous.

so where's this post going? i don't know really. i'm not blaming you or anyone else. just mostly me. maybe if i put in more effort? maybe if i tried harder.

maybe if i tried harder in everything that i did in my life. maybe there might have been results. instead of giving up like i always do. be it in life, spiritually, school, cheerleading, relationships, friendships? constantly in the state of doing things wrong and giving up.

i'm all out of fight.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:50 AM

Thursday, November 17, 2011

overexhaustion.

my future job should be a private investigator. i'm really good at finding out things about people. and the worst thing is that it's all online info about them, written by them. oh and facebook. such a marvelous tool. -.- seriously, the internet scares me at times. and this is one of the time.

TTSH attachment today. so amazing! to actually have an exam where answers are dished out to you by the examiner. hahahaha! the best joke ever. i'll be sad to leave CP. central processing has been one heck of a joy ride for the past 4 days at attachment. even though we didn't get much time to rest, i honestly think that i learnt more doing sample processing here than i ever did at NUH. seriously, i don't feel like i'm having attachment at NUH. i feel like i'm just wasting my life away there, reading SOPs and just generally WILLING time away. had fun doing pneumatic tube sorting and bench sorting. sadly, we didn't really get to do urine FEME sorting. the little kid in me was bursting to stick labels the entire 4 days, but i only got to stick like a few :( but i still got my fun sending out the samples using the slide. it's really more fun than NUH. attachment at NUH is really just one big bowl of suck.

BTS next. but somehow i have a feeling the BTS at TTSH is non-comparable to BTS at NUH. i have a feeling BTS at NUH was more fun. more hands-on stuff, less dreary work. which i love of course! more practicals and learning experiences!(: dreading BTS for tomorrow, but sighs, come what may i guess.

enough ranting. wanted to rant more about personal stuff, but typing out what i did in my day makes me feel even better than i was just now. oh well.

apparently, the berrylite at velocity is desperately in need to hiring staff. but sadly, time constraints and my already overflowing agenda will not allow me to have a part time job anytime soon. i do have my shop though, even though business is slow. D: how does carrie even cope will all this? and she has 73 orders! gosh. i wish i could be an over achiever at times too. i hate settling with mediocrity. but i guess with the current situation and circumstance that i'm in, i can only settle.

alright! negative emotions flooding back! i shall stop here! resume writing workshop with nabilah and a CBE class. not looking forward to it but like i said, i'll just settle. so, bye for now(:

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 12:49 AM

Monday, November 14, 2011

areyouhappywiththestateim'in?

an errant thought today. to defer for one year, and to come back again fighting. i'm so tired it's ridiculous. so exhausted out of my mind that i can barely stay focus on one thing for long. still trying to keep up with my lectures, and trying even harder to catch up with my jap lessons. it's only the the 4th or 5th lesson? and already i'm falling behind in homework and quizzes.

someone save me before i officially become depressed and suicidal.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 11:52 PM

teardownthewall.

to be able to love someone should be the happiest thing you should ever be able to feel.

i was actually high on love today. for the first time. not on sugar, caffeine or adrenaline. okay, maybe a bit of all three, but it was definitely the love that i had for my family that made me high today.

to be able to love you since i was little till now, it's even harder to achieve. i don't know the kind of love that i have for you, but i know my love is forbidden. to never be able to say those three words to you kind of kills me inside a little, but seeing you happy is what matters. is it not?

to find love that is reciprocated in it's truest form. the easiest to find, yet the hardest as well. accepting it is easy, rejecting it is even easier. love in the flesh, but yet not truly exist in that form. to be able to love You is my privilege. for You to love me, it's my greatest gift of all.

i need to find back that love. i hope You'll still want me, even though i know You will accept me even in my most broken form.

i'm sorry for all the lies and broken promises. i'm sorry i gave up. but it was the easiest way out. send someone to lead me back. cause i'm lost with no hope of bringing myself back.

for now, i'm climbing into bed and crying myself to sleep again. it's become a ritual. a bedtime story, a hug and a cry. to feel the sense of loneliness that overrides all. to feel so loveless, and so hopeless.

that feeling of happiness during that one dream that will never come true. to be able to feel it again would be a miracle that only you can provide.

stop dreaming girl.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 1:32 AM