her royal highness.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

keepholdingon.

I keep telling myself to wait, that eventually someone will come. Will be there for me irrevocably. Stand by me and not judge me for my failures, for my weakness. But there's no such person is there? The people I once loved that hurt me beyond reason. Then I stopped loving and became resentful. For what? That I let the people who hurt me destroy my current life. That I let my past depict my future. Yet the need for love and the need to want to love is still there.

I used to believe that I could love without needing the love back in return. How wrong and naive of that notion. I've spent my limited love on people who don't need it, and now I've no more love to give. Compassion, empathy, that in plenty, but no more love.

What ever happened in primary 4 was the turning point. The hate, the fear. The disgust of what had to happen to me. I hate the girl for introducing hate into my life, hostility and every kind of negative emotion. I had my best friend beside me for 2 years then I had no more. I ask myself if I took her for granted, that I didn't give enough. But I never could get any answers. I never knew what I did wrong, and it's all hazy now. One day everything is fine, and the next everything is falling apart faster than you can put it back together. That my best friend could turn away from me to someone else, to allow that person she turned to to hate on me, spread lies about me. I tell myself I deserved it, but now I think back and wonder, what did I deserve? The hurt? The torment? Why? I did nothing to hurt anyone.

The man who introduced the meaning of violation. Everyday I come home wanting to scrub my skin raw just to remove every dirty feeling. Berating myself over and over for falling into the trap, for not protecting myself. What could a ten-year old do to protect herself from a predator? That I had not alerted the people in the vicinity of what had happened. That I ran twelve flights of stairs to get home, and let the man get away scot-free. Why was I so weak? Why am I so messed up?

The same betrayal from the best friend that I trust my life with. I don't condemn you, but neither can I forgive you. What rights did you have? Be glad I did not call you out in person. Question you. Make you feel guilty. Already seventeen yet still unable to protect myself from the world.

Sorry if I'm weak and can't come to terms with certain things. That I avoid. If you were in my shoes, I wonder what you would have done. But you've never experienced the emotional trauma. So don't pretend to know. YOU KNOW NOTHING. Which is why I stop bothering to come back. I can tell I'm not welcomed. So be it. I don't want to be welcomed either to a family of hypocrites, to people whom I don't know of anymore.

But what else can I say but live life and move forward? Not everyone is going to understand. Not everyone is going to love you. Not everyone is going to like you. But the best you can do is to make sure that you don't do anything that you're not comfortable with. That you wait and be patient that someone will eventually appear and understand.

Till then, I'll keep holding on and waiting things out.

mabTHONG.
lollipop princess! <3

my fantasy world. ♥ 1:14 AM