so I wrote a whole chunk of ramblings on the way home just now, but because i was blogging on my phone, it died, and along with it my post. ah well, somethings are better left unsaid.

right now, my only motivation is the scholarship application. I need this. I really really need this. I need to get out of this place, this mental and emotional jail. it's just been 2 days, and all the biased-ness has me wanting to scream and just break down. unfair? yes, life IS always unfair. but could things be handled in a fair manner. of course. but they just don't see it. the past 2 weeks I've been home, and the number of sentences they've said to me, compared to the number of times they initiated conversation with him over the past 2 days, says a lot about the differential treatment. maybe you'd say that I didn't try harder. that I should be the one initiating any form of communication. but thing is, I've tried, more times than I actually should have, and I'm tired of trying when the response is always the same. the differential treatment is so blatant I don't even understand how you can tell me straight in my face that you treat the both of us the same and that you love us both equally.

i'm tired of having monologues with you. did I try too hard or did I not try hard enough? I always say to myself, things will get better. a year down the road, another year. but no, it always becomes a tomorrow will better, but tomorrow never comes.

everyone keeps telling me, God will never put you through anything you can't handle. I don't see how crying every night and comtemplating suicide almost every waking hour is called handling things well. people always see the happy-go-lucky, loud, talkative, act cute little girl, who goes around thinking that she's really good and seeking so much attention. if that's who you think I am, then sorry to say you know nothing about me. about the hardships I've been through, about the abandonment by my own family that I've faced. I wasn't taught self-independence. self-independence was shoved on to me. it was either learn to do things on your own and pay your way through or get left behind and shelved in a dusty old corner that no one would ever go to. either you do things and you do it well or you die trying. I wasn't taught to save money by anyone. it was something I know I'm supposed to do. yet for the same person who grew up with me, knows nothing about saving. how ironic. everyone thought that I was taught this my this certain person who was in my life for just a mere 10 years, yet they don't see that I was more impressionable as I grew older, and not as a kid. if you want to blame anyone for my upbringing, blame your own son for being such a bad role model. you know nothing about the things that go on. you just assume that I'm like that because I was being taught like that.

I wish people would stop telling me to be someone else. you don't want me to change so that I can be a better person. no, you just want me to change to make your life easier. how about I make your life easier by just walking out. isn't that much more easier?

it's disgusting to see you fall and fawn all over him. it's no wonder he turns out the way he is. a spoilt brat and nothing less.